Originally Posted by GalaGirl
It's a two way street to me.
He could articulate WHY to you himself and be more assertive and direct the first time around with his computer boundaries. Rather than leaving you to guess.
On YOUR end?
- Yes, the data is public access, but would it be a huge effort for you to ASK FIRST? No.
- Would it help make him feel extra special to you as your BF for you to do that extra care and concern for his sake? Yes.
- Since he was not clear the first time around, would it help you to ask clarifying questions first before acting? Yep.
This makes sense. Think before you act, place priority on the people close to you. I feel like I'm relearning stuff I should know already. But better late than never, yes?
a) I think he might be angry with you for not asking first out of consideration. He is your BF, and you could treat him with EXTRA care and concern than you would treat a general public stranger person.
"hey... Only FB? Or all computer things? Just work stuff or personal things too?"
b) I think he might also be angry with himself and misdirecting it on to you because his data online is HIS lookout and he has come to find his own behavior in looking out after it was not actually serving his needs.
You could own "A" to see if it cools his jets and makes him more willing to own "B" -- someone has to go first toward DE-escalating it. Otherwise you both have tempers going that just keeps it in the hamster wheel going round and round.
This actually close to what happened. I took your advice earlier and sent him an apology; and he replied with an apology of his own for not being more clear about what he sees as violation of his privacy. We are going to be able to work through it, I think.
Which is why I say you both could own having co-created this fuzzy grey area. Him from lack of clarity in the first place and you from going forward without stopping to ask clarifying questions first.
Both could stop assuming things.
Seems easier for OP to apologize, and move it FORWARD.
Yes, HUGE thanks to both you and london for moving me a lot faster to the "apologize and move forward" part instead of staying stuck in the "I'm right he's wrong I'm going to be mad until he apologizes" part.
Seems better for both to work on conflict resolution agreements for how to better handle the NEXT conflict before it comes up. You can't predict every conflict, but you can agree on how you want to be together while doing conflict resolution work.
Otherwise it's just temper fits all around and that's not solving anything for anyone.
Yes. This. I'm not really sure how to go about it - but I did snag your link from another thread about conflict resolution, so that gives me a place to start.