Thread: Stepping Out
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Old 11-01-2013, 07:21 PM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 76
Default clarity....

I suppose I’m thoroughly Libra. It can take me a long time to gather my thoughts, get clear, and put them into words.
Things have been good. Autumn is my favorite season (again, Libra) – I love the way the chill creeps in, the days get shorter, the leaves turn shades of gold & fire and crackle as the wind blows through them and blows them across pavements and about your boots.

I feel calm and pretty clear most of the time.

Z and I took a week’s vacation to the mountains in the southwest in mid-October (coinciding with my bday), and we had a few wonderful days of relaxation and unwinding in a gorgeous environment. We rented a little house in the middle of nowhere – but close enough to a local grocer and several wineries/breweries that we got out and had some tasty fun. And the whole trip went great. Very easy; very tender and warm.
In the past, most of our vacations came out otherwise – with us needing to spend a week or so away from each other in the aftermath. It was great to have this one go well. Also, he kind of fell in love with a place that I fell in love with as a youngster – he sees the beauty in it like I do, feels its spell and draw. That made me smile.

A switch flipped for us sometime in the past few months. I worked to shut down my obsessive, circling thoughts, and he made a compromise that helped me believe that it’s possible to be with my best friend and still have other loves and romances and excitements in my life. He basically said, “I know you still love J, and he still loves you. So do what you feel. If you’re not threatened by [what could happen], I don’t want to be threatened by it either. You give [me] so much love that you deserve to have the love you want in your life.” I was moved to tears. What a beautiful and understanding man. I felt very close to him after that, and very grateful.

One of the things I love most about Z and our relationship: I feel that we can both view it as both a sheltering and comforting entity, a refuge and a nest, and as an instrument in facing and conquering our fears and deepening our empathy and compassion. When we started out together, the phrase “as iron sharpens iron” (Biblical quote ending with “so one man sharpens another”) would pop up very appropriately between us at times – because that’s what we seemed to do for each other. We were catalysts for change and self-improvement within each other. We’ve become very comfortable together – a blessing – but I find that my need for change and creation and “moving to the next thing” spurs him to do the same at times, and his tendencies toward boldness and clarity and simplicity whittle away at my indecisive and timid cloud in similar ways.

Since then, I’ve been out with J a few times, snuggled on the couch with him a couple of times, and stayed the night at his place once. We snuggled in his bed in pajamas. I wasn’t sure how far beyond that the line was, for Z and myself, and I wasn’t willing to risk Z feeling betrayed. Maybe there wasn’t a line…we left it vague…but I gauged it according to what I’d be comfortable enough with if our roles were reversed.

I fear losing Z by being true to my own wants and needs sometimes, and that is often a big obstacle – my fears can keep me from acting. This is one of my personal huge obstacles in life. I don’t want to someday regret things I did NOT do that I really wanted to. He’s shown me that we can communicate about everything without my having to fear judgment from him. Old habits are hard to break, though.

It would make things so easy to simply want, love, and be with one person for a long time. Sometimes, when things get muddy and/or difficult, I wish that’s what I wanted, what fed me. Later, when the fog lifts and I’ve pushed through some of my own mental or emotional mess, I wouldn’t wish away the difficulties or the pains for anything. Crossing to the other side and coming out of it all victorious, after having faced down and dealt with your demons, feels wonderful. I feel my own strength, feel it growing.

It's good.
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