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Old 11-01-2013, 06:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,277

This is a more succinct way of stating what my point was - why I did not understand why he is so angry with me.
It's a two way street to me.

On his end?
  • He could articulate WHY to you himself. Rather than leaving you to guess.
  • He could be more assertive and direct the first time around with his computer boundaries. Rather than leaving you to guess.

On YOUR end?
  • Yes, the data is public access, but would it be a huge effort for you to ASK FIRST? No.
  • Would it help make him feel extra special to you as your BF for you to do that extra care and concern for his sake? Yes.
  • Since he was not clear the first time around, would it help you to ask clarifying questions first before acting? Yes.

Something like...

"hey... Only FB? Or all computer things? Just work stuff or personal things too?"
As far as managing his upset?
a) I think he might be angry with you for not asking first out of consideration for him. He is your BF, and you could treat him with EXTRA care and concern than you would treat a general public stranger person.

b) I think he might also be angry with himself and misdirecting it on to you because his data online is HIS lookout. He has come to find his own behavior in looking out after it was not actually serving his needs.
You could own "A" to see if it cools his jets and makes him more willing to own "B."

Someone has to go first toward DE-escalating it. Otherwise you both have tempers going that just keeps it in the hamster wheel going round and round escalating conflict rather than cooling it off. In the interest of peace in the shared relationship? You could go first.

Originally Posted by london
I think he is annoyed about how she went about it. I have a blog, right? When I met my ex I asked him not to read it, yet. He agreed.
In that case, yes. You clearly told your person to stay out of your computer life in the blog area. They crossed the line.

In this case? He did not seem to tell her to stay out of his OKC life in clear fashion. He didn't seem to think to mention it. But he did have boundaries about searches elsewhere that could apply. So there's this fuzzy grey area of discernment. Rather than argue, they could discern who owns what and move it along.

So while I didn't deliberately break any boundaries searching his username, when I'd previously run a search on his personal name and place of employment, I'd told him I was doing so when I asked about his job. I probably should have realized that he wanted the same thing with this - telling him / asking first.
Which is why I say you both could own having co-created this fuzzy grey area. Him from lack of clarity in the first place and you from going forward without stopping to ask clarifying questions first.

Both could stop assuming things.

Seems easier for OP to apologize, and move it FORWARD.

Seems better for both to work on conflict resolution agreements for how to better handle the NEXT conflict before it comes up. You can't predict every conflict, but you can agree on how you want to be together while doing conflict resolution work.

Otherwise it's just temper fits all around and that's not solving anything for anyone.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-01-2013 at 08:15 PM.
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