Discussions Have Heated Up... :(
Things indeed got complicated pretty fast once I broached the idea with "A" of relaxing the "no PIV rule". Not quite a total meltdown (which wouldn't have surprised me if that happened) but I think we may have stumbled on something that's very sacred to him to the point where he's willing to take a strong stance -- and I really don't think it has anything to do with "possessiveness" on his part (that's not in his nature) -- it's just something he never in a million years dreamed he'd have to consider "sharing" with other men. Needless to say the communication has become even more stressful for both of us (and the actual "PIV cliff" hasn't even been anywhere in sight yet, except in my always-anticipating mind!) and sometimes has me wishing I hadn't opened this Pandora's box. But I did and that can't be changed. And still we communicate...that will never change as far as I'm concerned.
I did a little bit of introspection on the PIV thing and began to mentally recall my past dating life. I ended up having sex with a lot of guys I dated, but very few on the "first date" -- and those were mostly during my "one night stand" experimentation phase (which lasted only a few weeks if I recall). The results of the "getting to know you" stage usually was a good indicator if they were to become bed partners. In other words, I wasn't into having sex on the first date back then and that mentality has not changed ("A" and I dated a few weeks before that was included--by the time we were ready we already knew we were soul-mates). So in anticipation of my future poly dates, why should those be any different? "T" and I knew each other 25 years ago -- a lot of time and growth apart from each other has happened in the meantime so in a way we really don't know each other anymore and would have to spend time getting re-acquainted. (And if "M" ever decides he has feelings for me too, yeah we're really close as BFFs, but don't know each other as potential lovers.) So I came to the conclusion/decision that, as in my dating past, there will need to be an acquainting/reacquainting period before the PIV thing is even put on the table as a possibility. I don't think that's disrespectful to either "T" or "M" since I'd be doing the same thing if I was single, despite the distance which makes frequent dates impossible. And the promise of "no initial PIV" should help "A" to relax a little knowing this isn't an imminent event and there's still time for him to wrap his head around the poly thing. If potential PIV re-enters that radar at some point down the road, "A" and I will be back in negotiations again, except this time I will have input from all involved before any subsequent decisions are made. Another thing I thought of, and would have taken place anyway if I was single, is that any sex that might happen with secondary partners would always be done "safely" -- with an exemption of this for "A" (he's more receptive to that idea).
I probably should consider moving this thread to the blog section as my last few entries seem to be chronicling events in my emersion process, some of which have been a bit cathartic.
Anyhow, thanks for reading and once again for all the great input I've had from those of you who've had experience with similar situations. There is no one in my immediate support system, other than "A" who's involved, that I can confide in about this...I haven't been "outed" yet and not sure that will happen except for those directly involved. But that could just be where I am right now in the process.
Oh, and we both joined the Yahoo group focused on monos who have issues with their partners being poly. That was a definite positive step.
Last edited by PolyMC; 11-01-2013 at 06:09 PM.