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Old 11-01-2013, 05:20 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'm sorry you are dealing in this.

Rather than argue about the percentage of "rightness" or "wrongness" could just apologize. I think in this case BOTH have a percentage in co-creating the situation, and subsequent behaviors in discussion.
Good point. I have been too wrapped up in thinking I'm right and he should be the one to apologize, but I'm starting to see that that is not the case.
Quote:
  • When he acts out -- does that ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you nag does that ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you are dealing with an emotional flooding person, does adding MORE topics ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you try to solve many conflicts at once rather than one at a time -- does that HELP or HINDER?
When he loses his temper with me that makes a spiral of ickiness.
Same thing when I lose my temper with him.
I think we've both been trying very hard to curb it.
But being more aware of things like not nagging would help too.
Good point about not muddying it up by having so many topics at once.
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Could do something like....
"I'm sorry my behavior upset you. I apologize. Could you forgive me and be willing to give me opportunity to make amends? And talk later when both are cooler about how to improve?"
STOP THERE. Then at a later time if all are willing...
Could we discuss how would you like me to behave in future when I do not know what your preferences are? Ask first?
What about my behavior was objectionable? What could I change?

On the flip side... here's what I'd like from you. TELL me your preferences ahead of time, don't hurl upset at me when info is public access, etc. Do not expect me to mind reader. "
And see if he wants to work with you to move it forward or just wants to keep it in the stuck. That tells you what his character is like.
Alright, here is where I realize I may be totally at fault here. We had talked some before about my habit of wanting to have as much information as possible about someone I love. At one point he asked me not to do a search on his newest son or ex-girlfriend (see other thread for that), and purposely did not give me data to do that with (ex-girlfriend's last name).
So while I didn't deliberately break any boundaries searching his username, when I'd previously run a search on his personal name and place of employment, I'd told him I was doing so when I asked about his job. I probably should have realized that he wanted the same thing with this - telling him / asking first.
Quote:

MAIN ISSUES THAT SEEMED CAUSED HIS UPSET

  • He created a public access profile. He is mad his GF (a member of the public) accessed it.
I still don't understand this one. But it is correct.
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  • He expected you to mind reader his preference that you NOT access it? Did not tell you his preferences up front?
This one, had I stopped to really think about it rather than typing without thinking I might have figured it out. But no, he did not specify that he did not want me to read his OKC profile
Quote:
  • You did not ask his computer life preferences FIRST before accessing it. Doesn't matter that it is public -- you could ask first anyway because you want to know your BF's preferences and show consideration.
This is hard, because I assumed that it if was public he didn't mind the public reading it. But, as he's always telling me, I need to stop assuming things.
Quote:
I don't think you did anything horrible in reading his OKC thing -- it's a public access profile. You are a member of the public. If he doesn't want it accessed by members of the public, he could not put it out there. It is not a social faux pas.

You didn't HACK into anything. It is not a legal faux pas.

It would have been better to ask him up front whatever it is you want to know. It seems to be a preferences thing of his that you crossed. But if you did not know his preference you did not know. *shrug* You dinged him unintentionally.
I'm glad at least someone does not think I did anything horrible. (sigh)
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The rest? It's just conflict resolution that is going haywire from trying to solve too many things at once. (Or so it seems to me. )

Could keep the laser beam focus one area at a time rather than adding side issues. It distracts from the focus.
This is a good point. I do tend to argue from all sides at once.

A - That is how I see it
B - Right. I should not dilute the focus with how "I" would do it - he can do it however he wants.
C - Good point. I should let it go - and just not link to his profiles that have crossover that I do not want. Nagging doesn't help anything.
D - This might be his biggest issue - not showing consideration to his wishes. I will need to do better with this.
E - I would like to clarify that point. Because it does seem like a double standard if he reserves the right to search ME, but does not want me to search HIM. But maybe that is not how he intends it.
F - This is one of my biggest issues. I default assume that any info out in the public world is liable to be found by someone at any time. So if I don't want it found a certain way or by certain people, I do make an effort to limit the possibility of it. I don't feel that he should tell me he "doesn't care" that his personal name and fetish name are linked on one hand, and on the other hand get angry at me for finding something because they are linked. But I am seeing that talking about how I do things took the focus off how he wants to do things, and quite probably did increase his frustration.
Quote:
Nobody can mind reader -- and he seems to expect you to. I would find that a turn off. He could learn to be more direct in his preferences and just make you aware. You could also step up and ASK first when you do not know. Help him help YOU.

I like low stress living -- I don't care for emotional outbursty. This is over the top response for what it is (to me). You both could work on that and your conflict resolution style.

Galagirl
This is definitely something we need to work on. I have a huge issue with my temper, and while I have been trying really hard to limit and curb it, I do still lose it sometimes.
He also has a temper, so that does not help when I do something that pisses him off.
If we can get through this (seems like such a stupid thing to have a huge argument about!!) maybe that should be our priority, figuring out the conflict resolution thing.

Once again, Galagirl, you are a huge help.
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