Hi, all. I thought I'd post a little update, as it's been about two weeks since my original post. I think perhaps I'm gaining a better understanding of my specific concerns. Several things have happened... some positive. Still, some things feel like a setback. I ended up talking to my partner last week about how I was feeling. I explained that she and her husband aren't doing anything wrong, and that I'm dealing with my own insecurities. I explained that I've been navigating our relationship in the same way I would any relationship. The difference is that this is the first poly relationship any of us have experienced, and all of us are learning as we go. I even told her that I sometimes mourn the life I'll never have with her, as in a mono relationship. But I also explained that I'm learning about all of the positive poly things, too. We discussed the possibility of them moving, and she told me that she wants me to come with them if they go. (This was refreshing to actually hear from her... because she's so "go-with-the-flow" sometimes that she doesn't communicate to me how she feels about things like this. Her husband is usually the one to say, "We'd love it if you came with us.") Overall, I was happy with the conversation because it seemed to clear a few things up for me in terms of what her thoughts are.
Now, remember she and her husband are trying to get pregnant? This really threw me for a loop when I first found out... mainly because it was the first I'd heard about it. Last night, for the first time, she actually talked to me (on her own accord) about the emotions surrounding this topic for her. She really has a deep, maternal desire, and hearing her talk about it really made me excited for her. I was honestly surprised about how okay I felt about it, and I really think it came down to the fact that she made me feel a part of it. I thanked her for that, because that made the difference to me. I can't say I'm totally over the whole "he can give you a baby and a life that I never could" thoughts. They do creep in sometimes. But I feel that maybe I'm developing the tools needed to navigate those emotions when they arise.
Now, for the not so good feels. Here is the stuff that cuts me to the bone. I've had time to reflect, and I think it comes down to this: I fear that I love her more than she loves me. That's the easiest way to put it. Now, let me explain:
Because of my partner's job situation, she spends most of the week with me. Her husband lives three hours away, and is in the process of finding a job. They see each other every weekend: either she goes there, or he comes here and we all three spend the weekend together. I completely understand that she would miss him terribly when they're not together. I totally get that. But they are both so miserable right now, that I feel like there's nothing I can do to help pull her out of the slump. Instead of enjoying the time we have together, she's sad because she misses him, or because of the pregnancy issues, etc. We haven't been having sex nearly as often as we used to. And yes, we've talked about it. Because of some medications, etc, her sex drive isn't as high as it used to be. I believe that, and I'm okay with it. But it's really difficult for me to go 2-3 weeks without sexual intimacy with her, but yet know they're having sex every single time they see each other, because she wants to get pregnant. And when he visits here for the weekend, they're in the next room making love while I'm crying myself to sleep.
And it's not just sex, either. We had a wonderfully strong emotional connection for the first few months of our relationship. I'm sad to say I continue to feel that connection fading as time goes by... not from me, but from her. I know that NRE is definitely an issue here, but I feel just as strongly as I ever have, and I honestly get the feeling she doesn't. I know the only way to know is to ask, so I have. I ask all the time. She continually tells me that she loves the way things are going, that she's still attracted to me, that she wants to continue exploring what we have. But it's like this: I think about her and our relationship all the time. She doesn't seem to do that at all. An example: Last night, we actually went on a date. I was looking forward to it all day long. When I got home from work and asked if she still wanted to go to a movie, she said, "Oh yeah! I forgot. Yes, I still want to go." She forgot. I just don't understand how you can forget about plans that you made with a person you say you love. I just feel like my emotions are one-sided.
I honestly feel like it's one step forward and three steps back for me at this point. I make progress, and then the feeling of rejection hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know what to do. I know everyone is going to say "talk about it". But I have. From her point of view, everything's peachy, I guess. But actions speak louder than words, and I'm not feeling the love.