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Old 11-01-2013, 01:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,139

I'm sorry you are dealing in this.

Rather than argue about the percentage of "rightness" or "wrongness" could just apologize. I think in this case BOTH have a percentage in co-creating the situation, and subsequent behaviors in discussion.
  • When he acts out -- does that ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you nag does that ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you are dealing with an emotional flooding person, does adding MORE topics ADD or TAKE AWAY from the problems?
  • When you try to solve many conflicts at once rather than one at a time -- does that HELP or HINDER?

Could do something like....
"I'm sorry my behavior upset you. I apologize. Could you forgive me and be willing to give me opportunity to make amends? And talk later when both are cooler about how to improve?"
STOP THERE. Then at a later time if all are willing...
Could we discuss how would you like me to behave in future when I do not know what your preferences are? Ask first?
What about my behavior was objectionable? What could I change?

On the flip side... here's what I'd like from you. TELL me your preferences ahead of time, don't hurl upset at me when info is public access, etc. Do not expect me to mind reader. "
And see if he wants to work with you to move it forward or just wants to keep it in the stuck. That tells you what his character is like.


  • He created a public access profile. He is mad his GF (a member of the public) accessed it.
  • He expected you to mind reader his preference that you NOT access it? Did not tell you his preferences up front?
  • You did not ask his computer life preferences FIRST before accessing it. Doesn't matter that it is public -- you could ask first anyway because you want to know your BF's preferences and show consideration.

I don't think you did anything horrible in reading his OKC thing -- it's a public access profile. You are a member of the public. If he doesn't want it accessed by members of the public, he could not put it out there. It is not a social faux pas.

You didn't HACK into anything. It is not a legal faux pas.

It would have been better to ask him up front whatever it is you want to know. It seems to be a preferences thing of his that you crossed. But if you did not know his preference you did not know. *shrug* You dinged him unintentionally.

The rest? It's just conflict resolution that is going haywire from trying to solve too many things at once. (Or so it seems to me. )

Could keep the laser beam focus one area at a time rather than adding side issues. It distracts from the focus.

My POV in blue:

A - it is a public profile on a public site. He thought it was hidden and is now upset to find he did not hide it well enough. Fusspot at you = blameshift. He could own that he could do better if his want is to keep his stuff hidden. You do not control his stuff. He does.

B - this is exactly why I keep my performing and personal name separate. (he calls this a double standard, that I want to keep mine separate just in case someone googles them, but that I google his. ) Side issue -- now it is branching into YOUR computer stuff. Bring it on back to topic at hand, deal with that one later rather than changing the channel. The prob is not the Googling.

The prob is who he wants to have access to his OKC account.

If he wants public access or wants to not have to deal in management tasks -- leave it so and accept his GF is a member of the public.
If he wants less access, he could limit it more and/or tell you to not go there.
If he wants guaranteed zero access -- he could not have an OKC.
His behavior done/not done to serve his want of OKC privacy balanced against his want for how much management he wants to be doing. It is all in his control.

C - it concerned me that my personal name linked to his personal name that linked to his gaming/fetish name that linked to my performing/fetish name. Side issue. That is your problem for linking him to you. You control YOUR stuff. You could remove his name and stop "nagging" him for a "clean" account to link to. FB is not the world -- could talk to him over other venues. Then you have no need to be concerned about link-connection issues.

D - there is no violation of privacy if it is public information. Technically no violation of privacy. But not exactly being direct and just asking your BF what you want to know either. Or stating that you'd like to look at his OKC and if he'd be ok with it since it is public access anyway. Showing consideration.

E - one of the questions on his OKC profile is something to the effect of 'would you google someone you were curious about on okc' and his chosen answer was 'yes - knowledge is power' (so how, again, is this me having a double standard?) He's mad YOU googled HIM. He may want the power for HIM, but not others. Could ask him to clarify that statement as to how it would apply to his expectations of his GF.

F - one can only have as much privacy as one actively maintains. He says that he has not googled me and therefore I shouldn't do so to him or anyone else.

In other words, you should be a mind reader and know all he does or does not do by magic? Then adjust your behavior accordingly? Rather than him stepping up his active privacy management if he wants greater privacy? And telling you directly? If this is his expectation, it is not realistic. He could own that and update his expectation. Nobody is a mind reader.

I told him I don't care if he did - I trusted him, or he wouldn't know my full names - so if he wants to google, have at it. It was all the rest of the random people I don't trust. (Side issue. Because he does care. You changed the channel to "trust" and "about you" and what you value now rather than keeping it on the problem at hand and "about him" and what he values and trying to understand him in his context. That could be frustrating to him, esp if he's not great at conflict resolution without losing his cool.
Nobody can mind reader -- and he seems to expect you to. I would find that a turn off. He could learn to be more direct in his preferences and just make you aware. You could also step up and ASK first when you do not know. Help him help YOU.

I like low stress living -- I don't care for emotional outbursty. This is over the top response for what it is (to me). You both could work on that and your conflict resolution style.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-01-2013 at 08:25 PM.
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