Thread: Wide Awake
View Single Post
Old 10-31-2013, 11:40 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Still thinking you owe Matt some kind of penance for having been (lived) polyamorous, but instead you find yourself enjoying great rewards for being (living) monogamous, and this throws the ledger out of balance because you were supposed to be "paying for your poly sins," not getting rewarded for your monogamous transition?
It does. It has thrown everything off. It is like why are the universe and Matt rewarding me? That is NOT right or how it should be. Everytime he does something, I am expecting something bad. I am peaking out from the shadow of my mistakes and afraid to step all the way out.

Prime example. I love One Republic, and they are going to be in Melbourne in a few weeks. I was bummed that the show was sold out, so he put in a call and landed tickets. He sent me flowers today. Just because he misses me. Everytime he does something, I give him the side eye like, "Mmhm. You are being nice now, but where is that opposite reaction that Newton discussed?" His logic is, "Babe, I am doing the opposite of the reaction you were expecting. Thereby, upholding the application of Newton's III law, in this situation. Check and mate."

There's so many past sins that I should be paying for, but instead I have this easy life with two companions who totally support me. Guess I try to make up for that by feeling guilty, but then come to think of it, who am I really benefitting by exercising this guilt? Doesn't help me. Doesn't help my companions. Doesn't help the people I sinned against, they're already done with the suffering I caused.
How true. He thinks I need to just relax. Every time he does something, he reassures me that he is doing it from his heart and because he wants to. He has forgiven me and moved on. He has wiped the slate clean. I have to trust his word and trust myself to not mess this up or hurt him again. That is probably more challenging anything we have been working on.

So maybe it's okay to get away with our past sins scot-free? I like my youngest brother's new philosophy in that regard: It's all about focusing on the here and now, not tormenting ourselves with the past or worrying ourselves with the future. After all, the here and now is the one thing we can really do something about.
I suppose. I like your brother's philosophy. I should adopt that.

I think life is difficult enough, even for the luckiest people in the world. Humanity has so far to go in the way of improving life for all living things. And think about all the people who got away with doing really bad things and never even felt bad about it. Oh, how I wish karma was a force we could really rely on!
How very true.

In "The Fellowship of the Ring," Gandalf and Frodo were discussing Gollum, and Frodo lamented over all the trouble Gollum caused and wished Bilbo had slain him when he had the chance.

Gandalf pointed out that many in this world who deserve death get life, but also that many in this world who deserve life get death. Those who deserve life, he asked Frodo: "Can you give it to them?" and therefore, "Do not be too quick to deal out death in judgment." Point being, perhaps as mortals it's presumptuous of us to propose to "balance the books." We just don't have the power to do that. Therefore our duty seems to be to make the best of whatever unbalanced way the world leans.

Just some food for thought.
Major food for thought. Thank you for that.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

My Blog
Reply With Quote