Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 10-31-2013, 07:04 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Well, those are normal emotions. Of course you miss your child, but you should also be happy because they are following their dream and well on their way to making you proud for a new set of reasons.

I had a very interesting conversation with my mum about this. Her opinion is that I stopped being happy and stopped loving her in a romantic sense awhile ago and just kind of dealt with the hand I had. She also said that the source of my unhappiness was that the relationship stopped being a source of joy and became more of a nuisance and hindrance. Her argument was to look how fast I reacted and was quick to leave the relationship when I thought I was going to lose Matt. She was like, "You can fool the world and even yourself, but you cannot full your dear old mum." She is probably right.

I ended the relationship with her 23 days after the argument she had with Matt and a short 9 days after he returned home. I hate when my mum's right, but if I was that certain about the relationship and how I was living, I would not have given up almost 13 years in such a short span. There was turmoil there, and it could be that I am happy to be rid of that burden.

I loved Si, but my heart was not in it. She knew it. I never hid the fact that I was still in love with Matt either, and I am sure it was trigger for jealousy. I was on the fence about whether or not it was worth trying to get that spark back.

My mum said she knew about four years ago during my daughter's birthday party that my love for Si had changed. She said it was something in the way I said I loved her, and she thought to herself that the emotion in my voice and my body language did not match what came out of my mouth. She said the way I said it was like when she says things like she loves not having to do laundry. Very detached and unemotional.

I never believed in quantifying love, but I must say that I loved Matt more than her after my children were born. After our daughter was born, I was more in love with him than before, and it happened again after our son was born, too. It actually happened during my pregnancy. She and I did not spend much time together because I was on bed rest, but I never felt like I was missing anything in her absence.

Our counsellor feels like I spent years trying to compensate for the lack of romantic love, and that is why I conducted myself the way I did; pushing to make all things equal. I covered it several months ago, but it makes sense. At some point I probably did think of them as equals, but I fell out of love with her when I had a child with him. Our relationship was never the same after that. Would it be wrong to say I fell out of love with her, in love with my child, and more in love with Matt? My children replaced her in my heart, but there was never a void. I never sought more because those three gave me all that I wanted and needed.

I agree. I might be capable, but I have zero interest in anyone but him. I view the possibility of another relationship as being a daunting task and a headache that I would do anything to avoid.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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