I am happy about having a healthy marriage, but then, I feel like something is wrong with me for being happy in a mono marriage. I never believed in wiring, so my wires are not crossed. This should go against my "natural" state, but this feels more natural and like it was always supposed to be this way. I feel like the relationship with Si was never supposed to be part of this chapter of my life, and it pains me to say that. I have taken to it like a duck out of water, and after so many years of something entirely different, why has it come so easily? Yes, I know humans are adaptable creatures, but this is a very strange feeling. I feel like I am not supposed to be this happy. Maybe I am letting others opinions get the best of me. If I know that I am happy, I need to leave well enough alone.
I have doubts about what I once was and how I did things before because the truth of the matter is, I am happier now than I ever was with two relationships. I am significantly happier. I do have more fulfilment, energy, excitement, and passion. Something about these changes have breathed life in to me and our marriage. Granted, this relationship style is new, and we are in a honeymoon like phase. Maybe I need to give it some more time and let the rose coloured glasses fade. It has lead to thoughts like, "Was I just wiping my brow and pushing through because I felt like I had to," or "was that even what I really wanted?"
I need to do some introspection with a spike in doubt. No worries, though. I am happy and just in a pensive state.