Me and rory had quite a difficult and emotional conversation that lasted for several days. It was mostly through messages and then she said she needs a break from the conversation to deal with it. A couple of days after that we talked on the phone about it and we're good now. But man, that was rough. We were both pretty down about it for days. I don't want to go into the subject of it that deeply, but basically I criticized her about a thing she does regularly and she considers that to be a part of her personality and finds it difficult to change. And also, it might not even be healthy to change yourself for someone else. So she felt bad about acting that way but also about me trying to change her and I felt bad about being the jerk who wants to change their partner. We're okay now, she'll try to take that into consideration in the future and I try to accept her as she is since nobody's perfect.
After that and dealing with the time management thing with Hank very recently, I feel kinda exhausted. I don't want to have another heavy relationship conversation in a while. And that made me think again about this dating thing. I'm back on OKC because I feel I have a lot of time on my hands even though I have two partners. I haven't messaged anyone there yet, because I'm still figuring out what I actually want. I think it's clear that I want more sex in my life. But whenever I see a profile that suggests the person is there only for sex, it's a big turn-off for me. Conflicted! If I could choose, I'd just want to have more sex with my current partners, but that's not up to me entirely. I don't know what to do. I guess I'd need some sort of a FWB or a fuckbuddy or something, but I don't seem to be very good at that.
I have a date today, the one I mentioned in my previous post. I know it's only a date, doesn't mean anything yet, but I'm still nervous that I won't be able to give whatever she is expecting. I feel like there's a big chance that I will disappoint her. Obviously I don't even know what she wants, but the reason why I feel like I'm failing somehow is that I don't know what I want, at all. Not just from her, but from anybody. I have no idea what I'm doing! I think I might be open to having a third romantic relationship if I felt really strongly towards someone and felt like I had almost no choice but to be with them. Kinda like what happened with Hank in the beginning. But at the same time I rationally think maybe I shouldn't deliberately put myself in a position where that could happen if I'm this exhausted already. I really don't know if it would be worth it. I guess I'll just have to go with the flow and see what happens. I just feel really insecure right now.
Living with Hank (partner) and rory
(ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray