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Old 10-31-2013, 12:53 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
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Default "Mercury in Retrograde"... I really, really hate that excuse.

Well, THAT sucked.

P had a shitty day at work yesterday, so I didn't want to unload on him right when we got home, but when you ask me what's wrong, I'm going to answer you. Although dealing with a night like last night is almost enough to make me just stop communicating altogether.

(Okay, not really, but damn...)

As an aside, don't point up, go "Mercury in retrograde! And you don't believe in it!" as a "See, that's why we're not communicating well" and expect me to NOT go explodey on your ass. I don't give a shit what you believe in - pointing to an external, supernatural source as the cause of a problem only gives people an excuse not to fix it, whether it's "Mercury in Retrograde" or "It must be God's will". Regardless of the cause, it doesn't mean we don't have the power to fix it.

But I digress.

The talk went horribly and really brought down the whole evening. We were both home at around 7pm, and after the initial verbal dump, we sat on the couch in silence until about 8 or 8:30, then kinda started working things out. Didn't end up getting out of the house until 9 (we needed that damn insulation from Home Depot), and I made a bologna sandwich for the both of us so we'd actually have some food. What a cluster.

His initial emotional reaction basically was a modified "why isn't anything I do for you enough". And yes, he does go through hell trying to maintain both relationships. I understand that.

Finally, after the emotional dump and the time in silence, I outlined what I SAW, regardless of what he DID or THOUGHT (which I didn't see): that we started off with plans of our own, believing that I wouldn't be coming down for the family thing; that he then invited me to the family thing (so, to my mind, that meant it was actually going to work out - next time, I ask if it's a courtesy invitation, or if something changed); that a few days ago, I had the rug ripped out from under me with, "Well, nobody's going to be there when you get there anyway" which turned into "let me see who's still going to be around" - which says to me "stay tuned", that we're in a holding pattern. That when we talked about it in bed the other night, he forgot about asking and just assumed I wasn't going. These actions are what I saw, and they basically baffled the hell out of me. Why not stick to the original plan if there was no shot in hell of me getting there when anyone else was there? Why invite me at all, after we'd already discussed it?

I didn't see any pushback on the start time when his sister suggested 6 instead of 7. It just sort of said to me that it was "okay" that I wasn't there, for a family event that he hosted - that my presence or absence was incidental to his plans, and as his partner, that hurts.

After the initial emotions died down, I suggested Skype. He didn't like the idea (thinking that his mom and sister might talk about it behind his back or something - I'm still unsure of why that's a problem for him when he doesn't usually give a shit about other perceptions, but emotions were high and that's a question for another day). So, the current plan is that I'm going to go through the gyrations I was planning to - take my youngest trick-or-treating (oldest will be out with a friend anyway), drop her off at her dad's halfway through, and haul ass down south to see if I can make it before everyone leaves. He's going to try to drag his feet and keep people there.

I'm apprehensive that I'm going to get there, nobody else will be there, and I'll have gone through it all for nothing. To be honest, with the mood I'm in, I'd rather just stay home with the cats, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" and any leftover Halloween candy, if I'm going to miss everyone.

BUT. Going in with a foul mood and a shitty attitude won't help me. At the very least, I should try to have a good time with P and M1 if nobody else is there. Or at least, not be a dour little miserable beeyotch.

Oh well. I should be working. Touché and away...
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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