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Old 10-31-2013, 12:13 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,555

So, I guess it's pretty common for gay men in committed relationships (even when married) to have casual NSA sex with others from time to time? Do you have any gay male friends who also play like this? Have you talked to them about what happens when you fall in love with your fuck buddy?

Here in poly land, where we can be male, female, trans, poly, mono partnered with a poly, bi, gay, straight, pansexual, we usually call having casual NSA sex "swinging." In that configuration, steps are taken to NOT become emotionally attached, and love is a bad word.

You and your h did not take steps to prevent emotional attachment to another. Spending the night, having breakfast, hanging out and enjoying friendly non-sexual time of chatting or going out on a date of sorts, easily leads to love.

Love is not a dirty word! Love is beautiful. Now, some couples who "share" a "third" seem to think this love should be equal between all 3, as if both members of the couple are clones of each other. Of course, this is not the case. Your new "bf" might be more interested in YOU emotionally, but just kinda like and lust for your h.

Think long and hard how this will work out. Will your h be jealous? Will the bf be jealous? Jealousy is not something to be avoided in poly relationships, but faced and worked through until "compersion" (happiness for your partner when they are in love with another) develops.

Keep in mind, in triads, there are several relationships. You and bf, you and husband, husband and bf, and all 3 of you together. Is 2way sex allowed? Are you allowed to go out on a date with just bf? Is your h allowed to go out with bf just the 2 of them? All things need to be discussed and worked out. This takes time, and patience, and courage.

It is important to stop thinking of you and your h as "we," in this case, since he and you both have different views of what new guy means to you. To your h, he's a friend with benefits. To you, he's boyfriend material. And that's OK! You're individuals, with your own tastes and preferences. There's no need to force you to think like your h, or for him to share your views exactly.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013

Last edited by Magdlyn; 10-31-2013 at 12:19 PM.
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