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Old 10-30-2013, 04:59 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

I came out years ago. (I have backtracked and taken it back recently.)

The reactions were all over. Some were supportive. Most were disapproving. My maternal family and friends handled it better. It took my mum awhile to accept it. I had distanced myself from 96% of my paternal relatives, and when I came out as being a polyamorist, that was the final nail in the coffin. The rift is so great that my children have only met four of them. I never told the elders in the family, so great aunts, grandparents, and great-grands never knew.

Now, my husband's relatives were not accepting. He is mono, and I was a polyamorist. They are conservative Catholics, and they are devout in their beliefs. They hated the fact that I did not conceal my extramarital relationship. My MIL called me a silly little ungrateful twit or S.L.U.T, told some people I was Matt's first wife (like we were divorced), downgraded me to surrogate status. He chose to defend me and my choice and sacrificed their relationship. I wish he had not done that. The only thing that brought them back together was the birth of our first child. My MIL and their entire family blackballed my ex. She was not allowed in any of their homes, welcome on family holidays, or welcome at anything like weddings, reunions, parties, funerals, etc. Could I have just kept my distance and allowed my children to have a relationship with them? Sure, but that would have meant missing Christmas and all kinds of things with them. My in-laws had an issue with me, and I was not going to make my children suffer because of grown-up BS.

I foolishly chose to come out because I did not want my ex to feel like a dirty little secret. I felt like I was not doing anything wrong. I thought people would be happy that I was happy. I never calculated the costs of the adverse reactions. I say foolishly because it was not worth it.

I was shocked when she recently introduced me as her daughter/DIL to her neighbours, but imagine my surprise when one was like, "I never knew Matt was married." I have been married to him since 2002! To her, I was a spot holder for the second wife and a surrogate, and my ex was Matt's visible replacement. She has apologised, and I chose to forgive her and move forward. I understand more of why she reacted the way she did. Someone (me) was hurting her child, and she had to just watch it. There was nothing she could do, so she lashed out at me and wanted me to feel how it felt to be her and him. If I were in her shoes, the lioness in me would have come out and been ready to do whatever it took to protect my babies.

Why are your guys against being out? Outside of the usual--no one will understand/fear of being judged. It is a personal decision, and everyone has to be on the same page. You have an advantage because they life in different countries. You can lead two different lives when you are with them. It will get tricky if they ever have to be in the same place. How would you introduce your boyfriend to your family, friends, or even to your in-laws? Are your respective families the type to not ask questions if you were to say, "This is our friend xyz," or is that too vague for them?
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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