Thread: Feeling Lost
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,338

Time to come back to reality and figure out what we all want and go from there.
I certainly hope you get YOUR hope above and arrive at a conclusion you all can accept.

But it seems they weren't playing (3 people polyship) before, so I'm not sure how willing or able they are to play it now. Sigh. I hope for your sake this was temporary lapses in judgement caused by whatever made the GF move out in a panic. And that they needed 2 weeks to recover form whatever the heck happened emotionally. And now they are both willing and able to talk it out with you like rational people.

Anyway, I dont know what happened between gf and her parents, Never really go into it. I did ask and got its complicated type of answer and never really pushed for more answers.
You could ask for more answer than "its complicated." So what if it is? You are an adult. You can handle it. Does wife even know? If so, why isn't wife sharing the reason?

Could maybe say something like this to both:
"I am sorry if it is complicated and hard for you to talk about. You could write it out if you prefer.

GF -- I still expect an explanation of what went on to cause you to leave your family home in this manner and plop into my home like this without asking for my input.

Wife -- I still expect an explanation of what went on to cause you plop an unnounced guest in our home like this without asking for my input.

And why these explanations from each of you could compel me forgive you both for not asking me and including me. You made big decisions that affect all of us without asking me. We are not in right relationship. That needs to be restored.

And why these explanations could compel me to offer you more hospitality longer than the 2 weeks I've already given. My household is topsy turvy and I have increasing financial worries. It is not fair to keep me in the dark and it is not fair to make major life choices without me. Witholding information is called "lies of omission." Let's not have that."
If neither wife nor GF want to give you the backstory? Then you basically are still at
  • TO GF -- "I have given you hospitality for 2 weeks. You will not disclose why this occurred. I have no reason to keep going beyond my limit. So you have outstayed your welcome. Please leave."
  • TO WIFE -- "I do not like you plopping long term guests in our shared home without consulting me or if an emergency situation explaining what the emergency even was. I do not like you trying to move permanent people in to our shared home without consulting me. This is creating disturbances in our household and in our financial plans. Please do not do this again. Please ask your guest to leave. I already have."
  • TO BOTH -- "I do not appreciate both of you making decisions for the polyship without consulting me. Please do not do this again. My willingness to participate in polyship will change if my goodwill keeps being taken for granted."

If this is your wife's hope:
She wants us all to live happily ever after
You could ask your wife how her behavior of moving her GF into the family home without asking for her spouse's consent and blessing...
  • ADDS to the odds that this hope will actually come to pass?
  • TAKES AWAY from the odds that this hope will actually come to pass?

You could expect yourself to be more assertive in your personal life.

You could expect your wife to take more responsibility over her actions.

You could all expect that in polyship, what each person does affects all the other people to varying degrees.

You could expect wife and GF to treat you better than this.

You could expect both wife and GF to communicate up front, clearly and not leave bits out.

You and wife could expect to act not just for self interests in polyship but for your minor children interests. You choose to polyship, they go along for the ride.

I am sorry if you are having poly hell stuff. Maybe looking that over is useful as you navigate conflict resolution.

I hope your talk tonight does go well. I hope you stand firm on clearly stating your wants, needs, and limits that are not being met here in this situation and what you would like to see happen so that you can all return to right relationship with each other. I hope you ask for clear statements from wife as to her wants, needs, limits. What GF has as her wants, needs, limits.

See what lines up and what does not and what can bend and what is a deal breaker. Sort it out. If you need help to have this talk, get someone to help.

And determine how you all want to be as exes if the only outcome can be "end the polyship" because nothing lines up.

You do not have to keep participating in something that is causing you life upheaval and pushing you beyond limit. Either polyship or marriage.

It might be hard to FEEL, but it what it is, dude:
  • Behavior done/not done.
  • Needs met/not met.
  • Limits respected/not respected.

I'm very sorry you are dealing in this.

But sort it out and enough with the shenanigans. This is no way to be.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-31-2013 at 01:16 AM.
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