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Old 10-30-2013, 12:57 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,341

Well, P came home last night, and we talked about the last couple days. On the plus side, I *finally* figured out my own rhythm for getting the wood stove to work. On my own.

P understood, and agreed that, in this respect, a year alone after my divorce probably would have helped a LOT. I went from a marriage with a combination of learned avoidance and codependent behaviors, to wanting to be independent, but being in another relationship and finding it difficult to shake the codependence (couldn't go "cold turkey").

It's happening, and I'm getting that independence that I value, but things like this - the frustrating "I can't do this!" moments - tend to bring out the "I need help!" in me.

The last couple days did lead to a bit of an epiphany regarding my marriage, which was interesting.

My ex and I used to not see eye-to-eye at ALL on our child-rearing philosophies. I wanted to raise them to be independent adults; he wanted to protect them. On one occasion, he called me "mercenary" and thought that I'd been TOO independent as a child (latchkey kid, etc.).

It finally occurred to me that my wanting the children to be independent adults was an affront to how he lived HIS life.

We lived across the street from his mother. She and his dad owned an auto body shop, so we always had cars and someone to work on them. They knew handymen and contractors, so we always had someone they could call to do odd jobs. We shared their snowmobiles, and their lawnmower, and the list goes on.

He was being taken care of. And I stepped in to fill that role of "mom" perfectly when he quit work to be a stay-at-home dad, and I (and my paycheck) took care of him as well.

It's probably why he didn't want me to move out, post-divorce.

It's funny to look back and see how the independence I valued (highly!) eroded over time, because the man I married wanted to be dependent.

So. Anyway. I'm learning.

P explained that he probably doesn't appreciate what I'm going through at the moment - the "OMG!" overwhelming feeling when something in the house goes wrong and I don't know what to do about it - because he went through that in his 20s, when he and his first wife bought their fixer-upper of a house. He's lived half his life dealing with junk cars and shit that breaks around the house, and he's used to it. Me? I'm not. So what's not a big deal for him because he's been around the block once or twice is a HUGE FUCKING DEAL to me until I can get on top of it and figure it out.

And I'm impatient and a perfectionist (somewhat), which doesn't help. I want to learn how to do it, and do it RIGHT. And RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT.


Anyway, it was a good discussion. I owned up to my feelings, we understood that until I have that self-reliance, this will probably happen when something pops up, and that's okay. He resists the urge to swoop in and fix it for me BECAUSE he values my independence as well, so I'm good with that. I want to learn how to do this stuff, but there's a piece of me that still says, "I'm in a relationship, dammit - why isn't he here helping me with this?!"

In other news, the family thing once again is having its moments...
P and M1 are hosting a Samhain Dumb Supper with his family tomorrow night. We initially thought that he and I would do our own thing, but he invited me down anyway. I was excited about it, bent over backwards to make plans (take the kids trick-or-treating for the first hour, bring them to their dad's, and then immediately schlep down to P's place down south for the dinner).

Last week, he mentioned that by the time I get there, everyone will be gone. Sooooo... what? Do I not go? I asked him if we should go back to our original plan of having our own thing, and he left off with "I'll see who's going to be around at 9pm." Which I should have followed up on before last night.

Last night, in bed, I mention something about having to pick up the halloween candy off the porch before I head down, or I'm going to have the lights on all night (I was planning to stay south overnight, given the time). He went, "Wait a minute. I thought we were doing our own dinner tomorrow."


He had forgotten he was going to ask.
Which is all fine and understandable, but when I'm trying to be part of the family stuff, it's another disappointment. Especially when I was going through gyrations to even be there.

It's one of those situations that makes me wonder, if this had been his previous marriage, would it have been okay to accept that everyone would be there and gone before his wife got there? Would he have tried to push out the start time and not just gone "Okay" when his sister suggested something earlier? Why is it acceptable in this case, if he feels that we're as close and important to each other as any husband and wife?

I hate that mental comparison coming up over and over again, but it's one of the things that makes me feel "less than" in this type of relationship. Would it have been okay to do this if you had a traditional wife? Why is it okay now?

So now I get to figure out when to have THIS talk with him, without ruining our own dinner tonight. These heavy talks are really getting to be a drag... I'm getting back to the point where we're doing more talking about our relationship than actually enjoying it. Boo.
Dramatis personae:
Me: 46/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 47/M, Partner of 6 years, lives half-time with me, half with Xena.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I've been on a few dates with. Divorced, Mono, wrapping his head around it all.
Xena: 47/F, Chops' other nesting partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter

Last edited by YouAreHere; 10-30-2013 at 03:28 PM.
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