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Old 10-30-2013, 03:18 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,980

I'm sorry you hurt.

Are you sure you want to be dating a poly person? That's a fundamental you could determine ASAP. Because if your preference is for monoships rather than polyships, dating outside preferences isn't going to be fun.

My boyfriend/top is poly, and I don't think I am or at least am not yet since I have never been comfortable with anyone before him. Bordering on almost considering myself asexual.
Why not? What did you allow yourself to feel/be with him that you did not with others?

But I want to be comfortable with it. I want to not panic and think he'll leave me every time a new girl comes along. But I don't know how to be comfortable with it right now.
In my vocab?

You have chosen to participate in a polyamorous/bdsm relationship. Your shared hinge sees other people.

You yourself seem to be monoamorous and do not indicate a desire to love another. You do indicate a desire to become more "poly-friendly" so you don't have to wig out emotionally and can feel more secure.

Is that it?

If so? Could note you are only 7 mos in. That's might not be enough time for you to have built up enough trust with a new partner to start shaking things up by adding NEW partners to the polymath.

You are ok with the other GF because she was there when you started. She came as part of the the package when you agreed to dating. This new potential -- that's something else. There is nothing wrong with telling your BF "I'm not ready yet. It's too soon for me to think about you adding another partner. I do not feel safe/secure/trusting enough in this 7 mos old thing to be open to that at this time."

Your concerns about time management are also fair enough -- you could ask the hinge how his new potential relationship would affect time spent with you.

You seem to feel better after talking it out -- well, could remember that for future. Instead of allowing yourself to go all wiggy emotionally if you know you started to feel better after expressing your feelings to the BF -- go express your feelings to the BF rather than holding it in.
I tried to tell him it was fine if he slept with her, that I was being irrational and that I didn't have a problem over text. He basically called me out on still being uncomfortable and said he would not proceed until I was comfortable since everything is so new for me.
Then I am glad your BF is emotionally honest. You could learn something from him and be more willing to be emotionally honest too.
  • Why are you not willing to report your emotional state to your BF? It is lies of omission to withhold information.
  • How is this behavior of yours demonstrate loving/kind behavior toward the BF? Or to you?
  • How does this behavior of yours contribute to you feeling emotionally secure or contribute to your self respect?
  • How does this behavior of yours contribute to clear communication and the health of the relationship you have with BF?
  • Does this "holding back" behavior of yours ADD or TAKE AWAY from your ability to trust BF with bigger things?

Could not lie. Either directly or through lies of omission.

After examining your behavior, you could examine his. So far all his behaviors point toward what? Does his behaviors help ADD or TAKE AWAY from clear communication and the health of the relationship? Building trust?

I feel like I don't stack up. I don't talk much, more like I don't know how to in public, if others are talking, I shut up. And everyone else in that scene doesn't really see how I fit in since I wallflower in a corner and am so opposite his personality and energy compared to the other two girls. They are younger and more experienced in all of this than I am.
Could ask your BF to reassure you and what he loves about you, how you DO stack up in his world. So you can stop comparing yourself to the other girlfriends and fueling your jealousy.

He probably likes you for YOU and what you bring to the table. The very things that you think set you apart from the others that are "bad." They are different, yes. But they are not "bad." You could stop evaluating.

You could read about jealousy or more jealousy.

You could not let self-esteem do the work of self-respect. It will drain away that emotional bank account.

When you cannot feel proud of your behavior, your self esteem takes a ding. If you tell yourself you are crap in your head, how is this thinking behavior highly esteemable? It isn't. Could learn to talk to yourself in your head less harshly. That stops withdrawals. But what ADDS to the self esteem account?

Being emotionally honest in your relationship and not doing lies of omission is or isn't self respecting toward you? Respectful toward the BF? ADDS or TAKES AWAY from the self esteem account?

Could remember you are NOT your feelings or your thoughts. You are the person DOING the feeling and doing the thinking. Sometimes feelings and thoughts are spot on. Sometimes they are static on the channel. They are not YOU.

At some point you have to start taking some small emotional risks to find out that "Hey! It wasn't so bad and nothing horrible happened!" so you can let go and relax. You BECOME comfortable by doing. You don't have to canonball into the pool, but you do have to put toes in the water and keep expanding if you want to become comfortable.

Growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone -- you stretch it out a bit so your comfort zone increases. If this is what you want to achieve, you could talk to BF about that and how he could support you as you move forward toward gaining that.

You can do this! Keep going!

Hang in there!

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-30-2013 at 03:11 PM.
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