I know we can't have a contingency for *any* possible situation, but I've been almost bombarding "A" with a lot of "what if's" (and he's been doing the same). I'll admit that his mind is a lot more open than I would have expected, but he does have a ways to go before he's ok with the idea of other men in my life on a romantic/sexual level. We have been doing *A LOT* of talking/arguing/compromising over the past few weeks as you can imagine.
"A" understands that my brain is wired for poly and his for monogomy -- he always knew, from the first we met, that I was very "different" and more "unconventional" than the women he'd dated in the past, and universes different than his ex-wife. We just really never knew about this particular aspect of my personality until the circumstances forced it to emerge. (And it may now help me to understand a little better why I always seemed to be a bit promiscuous in my early adulthood) "A" also knows that nothing will ever diminish my love for him and we both agree that we couldn't have a more perfect partnership in every other respect--we really do have an honest "yin and yang" thing going on. As far as both understanding what it means for me to be poly and how it affects our marriage, we are getting there. We know we need to find some common ground we agree on somewhere between me saying "This is the way it is, deal with it" and "I'll remain mono to make you happy" -- either of these extremes will result in one of us being miserable. We'll get there, it's just not an easy journey. Perhaps when I said that "A" and I need to be on the "same page" I may have meant that we have a more balanced comfort level with a new arrangement--we have a ways to go to get there. In a way, the distance between me and both "M" and "T" have been a bit of a blessing in that the visits need to be carefully planned and that gives more time for "A" and me to have some meaningful discussions.
This may surprise you guys, but it was me who initially suggested the p.i.v. restriction as the "line in the sand" and I didn't have a problem with it (but I'll admit that after getting into the discussion here, my position might evolve...or reverse). It has never been an issue with "M" since at this point ours is a pretty platonic albeit very close relationship. Obviously "T" would prefer that it wasn't a restriction, but is willing to work within the parameters of the agreement to prevent problems in my marriage leading to strains in our relationship. Of course we haven't gotten together again in person yet (that's planned for the Spring) so it's easier to agree to those terms from a safe distance. "M" is a five-hour drive away and "T" is about 8-9 hours away. "A" would be content if these loving relationships remained strictly emotional -- it's potentially adding the component of physical intimacy that is the basis of these discussions.
Unless "A" has a profound moment of enlightenment in the near future, I don't see him ever being comfortable meeting either "M" or "T". As long as he comes to a point where trusts my judgement, that shouldn't be an issue should it? I never had the illusion that everyone would be "one big happy family" -- I'll just be happy if they all don't hate each other.