Dagferi... Thank you for the response... its nice to hear about success!
Bookbug... I have decided to leave to him how he wants to deal with his relationship with B. He says he wants to try to remain friends with her... and although I am not thrilled about it... I get it. Its not my choice anyway, truly. He has told me since I last posted that although he was considering going back to that relationship with B... he realizes that I do treat him better than she did and if for nothing else... that is a good reason to stay around for a while.
What happened: your post really made me think. Its true I cant promise him those things. Even if I were single without kids I couldn't promise those things... although it might seem more likely I guess. Its all too new. If T were going to leave to go get "that" ... the whole package of a wife.. kids... house with a picket fence... reluctantly ( because I DO love him) I would say "go be free little butterfly"... but that wasn't the case. I don't control him or his choices... but I cant NOT voice my opinion when someone I care for is running toward something that is bound to hurt them. That said... I do have a lot of NRE and I don't want it to go away... because it will hurt. .. and to pretend otherwise would just be lying to myself. In our conversations the last few days at one point I said to T that I don't know what our relationship will end up like. .. and it certainly wont be conventional. He has since said that he doesn't want a conventional relationship, he just wants me. He said he was afraid of all this because he doesn't KNOW what it will be like. I want him to be happy. .. and he is happy with me (he says).
Idealist: I have thought that the fact T was in a toxic relationship with B might be a bad sign... it takes two to tango right? BUT I was in a few pretty screwed up relationships before I married G. When you tell yourself something is normal or fixable long enough you start to accept it. I know T is half of the equation though and I expect that he will have his own issues crop up too. But until I see them ... I am not going to run away. I certainly have my personality flaws and I hope that we can all work past those to. Only time will tell I guess.
NovemberRain: I have considered that. Cutting off T won't protect me or our family from B necessarily. I don't think she is going to come after us. With this particular issue all I can say is that I am going with my gut instinct... it usually doesn't fail me.
drinnt: your post really "hit the nail on the head" for me. I am trying your advice. T knows how I feel... G knows how I feel. I am getting all wrapped up in Ts business at times. I have decided to leave it to T... even though that might leave me "vulnerable" a little bit. I cant make him do anything and truly I don't want to make his choices for him. He is giving me time and so we are going to see what happens. I am grateful for that. I am starting to accept that a relationship with T will probably always have B "around" more or less... so I will have to figure that part out. I am going to try to focus more on what IS in my control... how I treat T and G and how I spend my time and who I spend it with... and enjoying more and worrying less. All things considered we are all pretty happy right now and we have a "plan". T will give me time with him... and that is what I want.... truly... is some time.
Everyone: I think things are going to be ok. T will try to be friends with B ... which makes me uncomfortable. .. but is completely reasonable. I will try to focus on what I am responsible for rather than what is out of my control. G will laugh at me for being way to over-concerned about everything and everyone. T will give me time with him. And a while from now we will see... oh and T is gonna spend the night over at our house (in the past we either went out or got a hotel room... but he has only been over to our house for a few hour visits before) I am WAY excited. It will be fun!
Thanks a ton...
(Cherry) Me: poly bi female in a V with G :hetero male married 8 years AND T: hetero male bf (new)