More to Think About...
A lot more to think about for sure...
I like the idea of putting a time limit on the veto power...I hadn't thought of that angle, but it makes more sense than it being invoked when I'm past the "point of no return" in a relationship with someone(s) else. I'm really hoping that "A" will be accepting of this paradigm shift (he told me last night that he's getting there...slowly) long before it could ever become a serious issue--the more we talk openly about it the more he seems to relax a little, especially when I explained how this is very different from a "swinging" sort of thing. I have asked what his biggest fear is -- aside from this being a deviation from the traditional idea of marriage that he was brought up to believe in, he has expressed several times (starting with when I made previous visits to "M") that he fears receiving a phone call saying "Honey, I'm not coming home." I'm doing everything in my power to assure him that won't happen (at least not without some major bizarre worldly force at play that I can't anticipate). I also believe that our marriage is strong enough where we talk openly and work out issues rather than "suffer in silence". We've been doing that quite successfully on other issues unrelated to poly that arise on occasion--a lesson we each learned from our previous marriages.
As far as how the secondaries feel about the rules, I have discussed the sexual boundaries with "T" and he's agreed to it. "M" and I are still in the "friendship zone" (I don't think he knows about the extent of my feelings, and if he does, he's keeping me at arm's length--this may very well be a totally unrequited thing I have) so at the moment any rules regarding physical intimacy would not even be an issue in that relationship. How long could I keep that boundary with "T" in effect? At this point I say as long as I need to, but I am fully aware that I'm not superwoman and that could change down the road. It would definitely warrant further discussion with "A" before anything changes.
Visits are almost a simplistic non-issue by nature...I do the traveling (and next trip is after Christmas and into the first week of the new year) because I am currently the only one with a valid passport. I also travel alone because "A" does not wish to accompany me on my visits, and I fear that if he did, things might get more than a little awkward. Neither one of us sees the possibility, at least at this point in time, of his being "buddy buddy" with my other partners. Last night he asked if there was a possibility of my meeting someone local that I'll want to have over for dinner, spend the night, and all that (apparently another of his fears about me pursuing a poly relationship). He seemed to relax when I assured him that this isn't a casual dating type of thing at all -- any potential partners have almost a ridiculously high set of standards to meet. And the current ones bloomed out of a pre-existing relationship -- one from my distant dating past and the other that forged over the course of three years of constant email contact with the occasional phone call/visit. Casual is definitely not my deal and I'm not currently seeking any additional partners. I'm just trying to come to terms with the romantic feelings I have for the men already in my life. This is a new thing for me and even though I'm doing my best to become educated with all the nuances of being a poly, I still feel as if I'm somewhat bumbling my way through a minefield right now.
And I really do appreciate all of the input I've received so far -- you've given me not only a lot of helpful suggestions but other things I need to consider that I hadn't thought of. Many thanks!