Okay so your husband is not the type to pull the plug, but is he the type that is going to suffer in silence, hate whatever is going on to the point of resentment setting in, and keep quiet because he wants you to be happy?
I can understand making agreements, but you are dismissing the wants/needs of the other two people. Have you taken what they want/need in to consideration? You have already stated that due to distance, they will be secondary or tertiary. Your husband is with you, so he is primary. That is understandable.
So no penetrative sex? Did your husband tell you how long? How do M and T feel about that? How would you and your DH handle it if M or T wanted to spend Christmas/NY with you? Are they allowed to visit your home since he prefers to be in denial, or is he only going along with you visiting them wherever they live to keep them out of sight and mind? If you do not mind me asking, what other boundaries have you all set?
I would not ask for a limit on said veto power. I would find out what his needs are and work from that angle. Find out why he feels like he needs that veto power. Maybe he feels threatened by these other people. Maybe he is wondering why you want/need more. Maybe he is feeling in adequate and like he has no control over anything. Maybe he realises that this is not what he signed up for. Maybe he is grieving for the way his marriage used to be and no longer will be again.
He just may not know how long it will be until he is comfortable. Some people will never be comfortable with the idea of being part of a poly marriage or being one of many. I stopped being comfortable with having a poly marriage, and I was the polyamorist. I ended my other relationship back in March and realised I am better suited to something different right now. Stuff happens and no part of life is predictable.
I definitely suggest you all keep talking. I would not say that you are naive. You are new to it and finding your way. Poly is a constant learning curve, and it is better to hash this out now before anyone gets in too deep.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our (3.5) children.