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Old 10-29-2013, 09:32 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,414

Originally Posted by fugue View Post
So, I asked him not to bring her up unless I asked about her (a boundary I thought we were already operating under, which he brought up in our first chat about boundaries—he didn't remember this, apparently).


However, in the few times I have seen him since that discussion, he continued to casually and consistently bring her up in conversations. I have expressed displeasure at this, and have been met with well, disagreement. He doesn't think I should feel this way, and that it is "unfair" to ask it of him.
What are the consequences of him overstepping your stated boundary? He may choose to talk about her even though he knows it upsets you, but you're under no obligation to stick around listening. Why not go for a walk around the block or read a book or something when he brings her up? If he wants to spend time with you then he needs to choose to respect your boundaries or you won't be there. If there are no consequences then it's a gate with a rule painted on it rather than a boundary.

Originally Posted by fugue View Post
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
One big difference is that where I expect my partners to help meet my needs and vice versa; those who are more independent poly's tend to feel that each individual is wholly responsible for their own needs and in THAT scenario, your request/expectation would be seen as unreasonable.

My impression is that he is more independent and of the attitude that he can do what he wants as he wants and you do what you want as you want and where the line meets great-but otherwise-not your place to dictate his lines.
I do think he tends to take that stance, historically (in my interactions with him in a mono context, and it's seeming to continue here). At the same time I think he wants to build inclusive relationships (ideally—he is a radical thinker, and this appeals to him). This is something he'll have to address soon, in that case. However, if he is not interested in forging a team, I will in fact have to move on. That is most assuredly not the kind of poly I'm interested in.
Being wholly responsible for your own needs doesn't mean being a doormat, and in this situation it sounds like he's prioritising his needs over yours and expecting you to do likewise. By refusing to take part in a conversation you want no part of you're not dictating his lines, you're taking care of your own. If his needs are incompatible then he can be wholly responsible for them elsewhere.
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