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Old 10-29-2013, 02:43 AM
fugue fugue is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5
Red face

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
This became VERY VERY clear when Maca opted to befriend (not even date) someone who was very pushy and antagonistic about our relationship. She pressed upon him that my needs to not be around her were unfair (even though she didn't want to be around me, she simply wanted the freedom to attend all of our family events and as a sahm-those all include me, even though many do not include him).
Maca backed me up HALF-ASSED and with quite a lot of attitude.

When my medical issues kicked into full gear and he suddenly felt a need to back me up 100%, it appeared to her and all outside parties that he simply "gave in" to my wishes against his own. This wasn't the case. But-it resulted in a LOT of unnecessary drama.
Eek! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that! I'm struggling with something similar, with a friend who disagrees with my openness to poly. She is very antagonistic about my & TPG's relationship. Granted, she's taken a step back (by not talking to me at all) when I told her to cool it. People who make assumptions about situations seriously annoy the hell out of me. Props for standing your ground!

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
One big difference is that where I expect my partners to help meet my needs and vice versa; those who are more independent poly's tend to feel that each individual is wholly responsible for their own needs and in THAT scenario, your request/expectation would be seen as unreasonable.

My impression is that he is more independent and of the attitude that he can do what he wants as he wants and you do what you want as you want and where the line meets great-but otherwise-not your place to dictate his lines. If that is the case-your options are to accept and continue or to leave and find someone more interested in working as a team.
I do think he tends to take that stance, historically (in my interactions with him in a mono context, and it's seeming to continue here). At the same time I think he wants to build inclusive relationships (ideally—he is a radical thinker, and this appeals to him). This is something he'll have to address soon, in that case. However, if he is not interested in forging a team, I will in fact have to move on. That is most assuredly not the kind of poly I'm interested in.

Thank you so much for your input!
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