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Old 10-29-2013, 12:00 AM
fugue fugue is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
When I hear of stories like these, I just get mentally exhausted. Seriously, isn't love supposed to be healing/fun/uplifting?
Gosh, right? It was, when I first realized it, I was struck and so very touched by the beauty of it. There was no mistaking the feeling—and I always wondered how I'd know if I ever was! Pffft. Then I got very caught up in my head thinking about what it means and is it fair considering most of his energy is being spent on someone new? He still cares for me, but it's a bit different, now, which is an adjustment. Same for him, I suppose. Love isn't fair, eh? But does that mean I should let go? I'm not so sure, yet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
All of those questions just make relationships sound like a painful inevitability
My worst fear, haha!

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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
No offense meant, just, I can't imagine wanting to stay in that sort of relationship....
None taken I am reconsidering, after all! It's been a struggle, and it shouldn't be, no? But then, I also think that reforging our relationship requires some difficulty, especially when I'm struggling with dynamics I've never had to. I suppose from all the reading I've done about polyamory (happy little researcher, me), one of the things I've really taken to heart is that it's not always easy, in the beginning, when you are learning your poly way; "go slowly, take time, be patient." Be open, honest, address all feelings. I think maybe I've taken this a bit too much to heart...I have overwhelmed our time this past week with serious discussions, without having processed things fully.

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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
What makes it worth it for you?
Well, not much, the past week, considering my struggles (not feeling respected, specifically. That's the one that smarts the most)—which is why I'm reconsidering, frankly. But this past week is not indicative of the relationship on the whole. I tend to focus on the negative when addressing problems (after all, that's where there's work to be done) so I think from my dearth of exposition, it's easy to dismiss him as a shitty partner (for me—and maybe it's just so that we don't work well together as a couple).

However, I could go on about how well we do work as a couple, but for these problems now. Being with him is exhilarating and hilarious, we are so wonderfully similar, we enjoy many of the same things, can have thoughtful, theoretical discussions, and want the same things in a partner (though perhaps we don't want the same things in a relationship right now—I think this is the crux of the issue). Not to mention the sex is AMAZING. I mean, no lie. He is thoughtful, smart as hell and goofy—I just adore him. Getting along isn't the hard part.

I think when it comes down to it, we are both hyper-analytical people, and we tend to put our relationships under the microscope. This can be a good thing for relationship longevity—though not in my experience, as I tend to think my way out of lasting relationships (a habit I am trying to break myself of). He has the opposite issue, where he powers through long after he should have let go (a habit he is trying to break himself of—part of which is why I think polyamory appeals to him, the whole "learning when to let go"). We're both at very interesting crossroads in our lives, in how we deal with relationships—which might be another thing at the heart of our issues.

I am not certain the either of us are poly or poly-wired, as we are both new to it (though admittedly he has slightly more practice), but it is something the both of us want to explore. I just struggle with it more, I think, in the context of being in love (and he, not—or, not as deeply as I am. Different levels of love, eh? Wish the English language had more words for these things).
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