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Old 10-28-2013, 11:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,250

The problem is that Stephen says even if I do break up with Chris we won't automatically get back together, he's not in the right mental place for it. But he said there could be scope for us in the future.
So if you want to be available for if/when that time comes, it points to being free of Chris.

I think being with Stephen has opened my eyes to some ways I'm not satisfied with Chris. I still love Chris really deeply though and can't imagine ending it with him - it would absolutely destroy him
You cannot imagine it, because you have not spent enough time to think it out. Even then you cannot know how it will be because some things in life play out how they play out. You COULD tell Chris how you would like to be as exes and see if he's willing/able to do that.

It is extra hard because Chris was first BF and and Stephen first break up. Now you contemplate break up with Chris -- and without having experienced break ups before it probably all seems extra vivid/hard. Experiences in the 20's are often like that -- first experiences are VIVID.

Your behavior of breaking up might disappoint Chris, but you are not going to "destroy" him. This is a romance ending, not murder. Could not fear the emotional response from Chris or let your own emotional upset blow this up bigger than it is.

It will be ok.

Could keep yoru focus on behavior done/not done and what needs doing here rather than fears.

There's also no chance for the three of us being together again.
Then that is a limit reached.

Basically I'm scared that I'm just thinking all these things because of how much I miss Stephen.
I think you are at a normal "take stock of my life so far" point. It if hadn't come at a break up time with Stephen, then it would have come at something else -- graduation, new job, moving... those "bookmark" type moments in a life. They happen over and over -- and you will "take stock" many times. If this is the first time you do this as an adult person -- that's another 20's experience that is coming at you pretty VIVID.

You could remember that you can't hurt yourself thinking in the privacy of your brain. You could not focus on fearfulness. You could focus on letting emotions blow on through. Eventually internal weather storms will calm. Could focus on what you like to do to calm yourself -- take a walk for instance.

I'm worried I'll destroy Chris by breaking up with him, only to have Stephen meet someone else in the meantime, or just not want to get back with me.
I'm worried even if I do end it with Chris I still wouldn't be ready to be with Stephen for the rest of my life either.
Could stop doing the "what if this? What if that?" thing if it just cranks you up and increases worries. You don't HAVE to have your entire life planned and sealed by 25! Life is long. Could plan for some things and then let some of it unfold at its own time.

Could focus on what IS here.
  • You are not happy in relationship with Chris.
  • You want to try to get back with Stephen.

If that is what you seek, align you behavior accordingly and do what you have to do to move toward that place.

Give you have time/space to heal and become a healthy dating partner for someone new.

But mostly I'm scared that these things I'm thinking about Chris are true and that he really isn't the best option for me. We've been together for 2 and a half years and we've always spoken about our future together as fact, I just can't imagine ending it with him :'(
You seem like you are in the stages of grief for the loss of the relationship. You are trying it on in your head and you may not be ready to make the break until you process a little longer.

But as much as I can't imagine hurting Chris or ending things with him, I miss Stephen so god damn much. It hurts how much I miss being with him, and I just wish there was some way I could turn back time to when we were all together and happy
Again... while wishing is part of the grief process and coming to terms with losses? Could focus on what IS here. Not what isn't.

You are in the middle of a grieving process. In time it will get better. Could google "stages emotional change" and see if any of the images brings you any comfort. Sometimes knowing it IS a process and basically you sit tight and wait for time to pass so you can see things differently could help.

Hang in there!

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-28-2013 at 11:25 PM.
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