but I just feel that whatever woman that he is involved with should at the very least be respectful and care about me, and if possible even good friends. I would love for that person to be a confidant with me as well. Is that too much to ask of every or any poly relationship that he has?
What about if she doesn't think you're compatible for that sort of friendship? I mean, she has to be civil when in your presence but she might not want to spend time with you our be your confidant. Her needs count too. If you're going to forgive your husband and consent to a poly relationship, you can't continue punishing them by controlling their relationship. Art some point you have to forgive and trust, particularly newcomers who have no part in the betrayal. If you can't, there's no point.