It’s been nearly two years since either of us has posted here. It has been a very busy/messy/stressful two years.
We are still living with my parents. During these last two years Pan and I have gone back to school. He is still going, but I have relearned that school is not something that I do well. So I am working. I’m still in retail, but at a different place than when I first started posting here. A small group of my coworkers know that we are poly, the ones that are open minded enough to not judge us as freaks. My manager and assistant manager are not in that group. Which is fine, they don’t need to know, nor do they need to be my bff’s. Work is one of the things that have been stressful for us, specifically in regards to my family. Pan is not working while going to school and my family has a tendency to be extremely judgmental of our decision to not have him work and go to school at the same time. So much so that I have nearly stopped associating with those members of my family that are the most vocal about their opinions.
Shortly after I started working at my current job (I’ve been there for a year and a half), my SO and I broke up. The situation between his wife and I got worse from December of 2011 to April of 2012 (when we broke up), and I was also unable to get emotionally past his undeclared relationship with his best friend (a woman; read: he cheated). I haven’t really gotten over him. I am still upset about it and I still hope that he and I will get back together. It’s been nearly two years.
I was seeing a therapist for nearly a year (it has also been nearly a year since my last appointment). She helped me a lot. We started digging out my issues. How a lot of my anger comes from expectations that I impose on others (and then get mad at them when they don’t meet those expectations that they didn’t even know I had of them). And, this one actually came as a shock to me but I do see it, that I am abusive to Pan. I felt like such a horrible person when she pointed this out to me.
I’m diverging here from what I originally wanted to say.
This time of year is really bad for me. Not just because I work retail (odd hours; sometimes working from 6am to 3pm to working from 1pm to 10pm and any number of shifts in between) and getting full-time hours (though I am part-time), but because my depression and anxiety are so much stronger during the fall and winter months than during the spring and summer months. They are also much stronger during the night time hours (after I get home from work if I had a night shift).
I had been doing okay. Not great, but okay. But this last couple of weeks has been hard for me. I’ve learned some things about my siblings and parents that I didn’t know before, and it’s hard to accept. I know it’s in the past; nothing is going to change it. But it changes my perspective of them. And I don’t handle change well.