So many things to consider
Thank you all for your replies and honest thoughts regarding my situation. There are just so many things that run through my head every day about how to proceed. My husband (DH) and I communicate so very much and powerfully with each other and he for the most part is very understanding about my hesitation and current restrictions placed on him and J (his girlfriend) when they go out.
After thinking much about my vision of poly vs. what we are experiencing right now, I do wonder what is behind my hesitation. Is it just the baggage associated with DH and J, in other words the betrayal that I feel after being lied to about them sleeping together? Or is it that I really do want to be more involved in the relationships that he is involved in? And I don't necessarily mean in just a sexual way, but I just feel that whatever woman that he is involved with should at the very least be respectful and care about me, and if possible even good friends. I would love for that person to be a confidant with me as well. Is that too much to ask of every or any poly relationship that he has?
The reason that I feel this could be a very big part of my hesitation is that before I knew that DH was having sex with J, him and I began to talk about opening up our marriage to others and it turns out that both I and she agreed to having three-way sex with DH. So for about a month, the three of us got together a few times and it was really much fun, and there was great communication amongst all of us, including just her and I. I felt like she could be, and already was, becoming a good friend whom I could talk to about anything. Then I found out from her husband that DH and J had been sleeping together prior to me and DH even agreeing on opening up the marriage. I was devastated to say the least.
So, is it that I just can't put the betrayal behind me and the negativity associated with the two of them together? Or that their current relationship does not involve me at all, or even provide me with a friend, as she wants to now keep her and I on separate sides of the fence? Or maybe a combination of the two?
I have mentioned these possibilities to DH and he agrees that any of them may be the case. And I have suggested that to truly know, him and I should move forward in exploring new poly relationships with new people and see how things go, especially see how I react if he finds another woman who may not want to be friends with me. I also do look forward to me being able to get out and meet other men to potentially include in my life as well.
So I am not looking for a unicorn, I simply want a good relationship with whomever else DH finds to love. Is that a realistic expectation? And what should I do about DH and J's relationship in the meantime? Is it fair to say that they hold off on their relationship (just be friends) until him and I are really able to get out together to explore other poly relationships? This realistically would happen after our baby is born and things settle down a bit after that.
I hope this all makes sense and someone out there has some more helpful input. Again, the comments already made here have been amazing, I truly appreciate them!