Of being new to poly, BDSM and insecurity
I am 7 months into the first relationship of my life. This relationship is intertwined with poly elements as well as BDSM. My boyfriend/top is poly, and I don't think I am or at least am not yet since I have never been comfortable with anyone before him. Bordering on almost considering myself asexual.
He has another girl that he sees regularly and saw before dating me, it is a friends with benefits arrangement that is treated like dating because she does not wish to have any titles attached to it. So I view her as his other girlfriend. I went into this relationship knowing about her and being alright with her.
My boyfriend plays with whomever he wishes in the BDSM aspect of things; the only thing I asked of him was to keep sex between myself and his other girl. But also to let me know if he was interested in anyone else so that we could talk about it.
There is a different girl he has been seeing regularly to play with. And she progressed in closeness via how he addressed her to me. Basically went from "girl I've been playing with lately" to "insert her name here"
So I prepared myself for when he would bring up wanting to sleep with her. I told myself that I would be fine, that I would see her the way I see his other girl and all would be well. He would get another relationship and be happy.
But when he actually asked about it, I froze. I tried to say that it was fine and everything. But I could not. So I said I was not comfortable and started to tear up. I started to panic. "What if that wasn't o.k. with him?" "What if he is suddenly bored of me?" Evil, pessimistic and irrational thoughts flooding my head.
He was fine, and said he would not do anything I was not comfortable with. And that it did not mean he liked me any less. But brought up that I had mentioned to tell me if he was interested in another.
I went home after that and cried for days, on the brink of hysteria, unable to stop. It interfered with my jobs, it interfered with my sleep. He checked up on me during that time over texts, but did not see me breakdown. And at the moment I have it mostly at bay, but will still cry if I let my thoughts run off.
He is well known and loved among the local BDSM scene and both girls I am talking about are as well. All sweet, friendly extroverts and poly. And I suppose I feel like I don't stack up. I don't talk much, more like I don't know how to in public, if others are talking, I shut up. And everyone else in that scene doesn't really see how I fit in since I wallflower in a corner and am so opposite his personality and energy compared to the other two girls. They are younger and more experienced in all of this than I am.
The only time he does not talk to me is when he is with his other girl. His focus is on her, I imagine. So I fear I will lose more of his time when he gets yet another girl. Or if he meets another....and another. I do know a few people in six committed relationships at once and cannot even fathom it. I fear I'll eventually fall to the wayside since I view myself as least interesting of the girls he has been with that I know.
I tried to tell him it was fine if he slept with her, that I was being irrational and that I didn't have a problem over text. He basically called me out on still being uncomfortable and said he would not proceed until I was comfortable since everything is so new for me.
But I want to be comfortable with it. I want to not panic and think he'll leave me every time a new girl comes along. But I don't know how to be comfortable with it right now.
That is my story, I apologize for the long read. Anyone have any advice they could spare? I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for stopping by.