CatharticIntent A word or two about your dilemma,
I feel like I need to throw in the disclaimer right off the bat, that my thoughts, opinions, and therefore my approach to non-monogamy (including polyamory) does not align with "mainstream" poly. So my practice of it tends to be in opposition of real life communities rules and unspoken tenants, which often means said people take it upon themselves to make sure that I pay dearly for having the tenacity to dwell all while not
choosing to remain silent. I say choose
and take it upon themselves
because they are extremely confused when it comes to rights and wrongs esp since I know
what lines I am holden to as well what those divisions will mean in regards to which side people -- by their own free will -- choose to stand on.
For the most part it's not my job to keep track of all the ways and means they violate me, as I know whose land, time, and space this belongs to no matter what lessor collects rent nor who rent is paid. I know
who I AM and to whom I am not subject to.
Because matters of the heart can often feel seem confusing, I find it essential to stick to the truth you know through the practice of honesty. You don't have to worry about making excuses for your heart, or any organ for that matter, so my view is that it is best to [i]not
[/b] make excuses for what organs do, and instead take ownership of the decisions you make and the actions you choose to take if you decide that
is your will
. It is far better to know the consequences than it is to rationalize or justify yourself to anyone you don't choose to share your life.
I am thankful for women, non-caucasians, LGBT and everyone who had the courage to speak out against unlawful inequity in regards to retaining citizenship of Human Being. As it was all necessary as some refuse to listen, and therefore refuse to learn of the truth and choose the convenience as short term easement of lies. Believing in lies is only a lease of an existence, but coming here in order to know the truth is enough to be granted as much time as you need, so that you may take ownership of your life and who you are able to share it with
You do not
need an excuse, nor do you need to justify who you desire to share your life with. It is OK to have a preference which you are allowed to set in stone, or daily scribble in wind swept sand, if someone chooses to accept your offer to share your life that is all that matters. So I personally don't subscribe to theories of being "wired" or born with some sort of identity of polyamory at a ridiculously young age. People who claim to see many colors of love during a black and white stage of innocence are people who I view as still being extremely conflicted and confused and so without really knowing who they are, they will always remain subconsciously a subject to the whims of a mainstream opinion in whatever community they reside in -- which unfortunately -- is the opinion of some random dominant male or the slickest sales team.
If you know that your boyfriend is someone you want to offer your love and your life to share, in hopes he will choose to accept it, I would be very weary of attempting to excuse your will as if it were wrong. I back away from theories that claim those we share are life with, fall short or in some way aren't good enough. So I would not talk myself into believing things like
"I can't help but feel that I'm not quite getting everything I need out of our relationship."
Most people agree the that theory behind polyamory is that love is not something of scarcity, but then for some reason need to find someplace they were short changed in regards to the love they were offered and chose to accept.
I view that type of belief as the worst one you could buy into when those who you hope will accept your offer of love have insecurities of not being enough, or worse, just being less than someone else could
be. But if that is the way you honestly feel, that you know
is the case in your
life, then go ahead and offer it as an explanation.
Personally I have found that not to be the case in my life, and telling trying to rationalize anything other than it simple being what I currently prefer, only ends up causing more more confusion among a person I wanted to share my life with, because it essentially translates to if I find someone who doesn't fall short, then I will leave, which doesn't really reassure anything other than their fears are legitimate
I think the biggest problem with authors who subscribe to this style of proprietary polyamory is what I view a not knowing the difference between a want and a need. Moving the label from need and attaching it to desires only serves to complicate and obscure something that was never unclear until it was muddled with lies and rationalizations.
Rather than dreaming about a black and white beginning transitioning into a world of color, why not simply wake up and open your eyes, see the truth, live it
in this life and the next