Love and time - one is finite and one is infinite.
I have self-imposed limitations that certainly double over as preferences. I preferred not to be in more than two relationships at a time. Right now, my limit is one, and it looks like that is going to be permanent.
I have no interest in dating, but my DH created a list of boundaries, if that were to change. They are not fear based. He has about 25-30 different ones, and some of them have sub levels. Compromise was not an option because those were his needs. The list ranged from no PDA in front of our children to refusing to be out to him wanting no contact with a potential metamour to time stipulations on overnights and so on.
Even without his arsenal of boundaries, I had preferences that rivalled his. His were more relaxed, and my list was more rigid. I would prefer not to have another co-primary, secondary, or date anyone nearby. I am not willing to spend a week or weeks wherever they are either. I prefer not to have entanglements like finances, shared holidays, or being anyone's only relationship or single primary. I would never have time to see them if they were around, and if I was there one and only, I know it would cause problems. Tertiary would be ideal. I now prefer not to have overnight visits. I prefer not to miss any time with my DH, children, or opportunities for family bonding. I would prefer not to bring that person around my children. DH and I mutually agreed that being closeted would be the only option. I prefer not to have someone involved in the day to day aspects of my life. My list goes on.
I just outlined the past several weeks of my life in my blog, and what it boils down to is, if I was in a relationship outside of my marriage right this minute, the last time that person would have seen me, would have been the middle of September. Three out of four weekends this month have been locked down due to my travelling, recovering from long haul flights, vow renewals, family time, and attending funerals. If I was in a relationship, at best, that person might see me once a month. My life is just that structured.
I hated living by a calendar, and heaven knows if I ever had to do it again, I would scream. Now, I am like, "Forget what the calendar says. I want to eat Tahitian vanilla ice cream, cuddle with my DH, and watch Four Weddings until The Golden Girls come on." Before, it was like, "I would love to stay, but I have to go to xyz with Si." Never again. We have a pretty good balance. From 7-9, we pretty much do what we want. Hobbies, dance classes (me), going to the gym, hanging out with friends, going to the casino, having drinks, or whatever we want. We return home to get our children ready for bed, and sometimes the one who was out might go back out. We both value our alone time and now that we threw the calendar out, we are enjoying good old fashioned spontaneity. We went out on a date Wednesday night, and it was not planned. Nanny J wanted to take the little ones to a pantomime show, and we had drinks, dinner, and went to a live jazz club. It was nice just to talk and enjoy each other's company. Before? That would not have been possible because it would have been my ex's night with me. What a world of difference these recent changes have made.
I bond better with my children and pretty much everyone when in a one on one setting. It feels more intimate. I prefer to confide in DH when we are in private. I prefer to set aside blocks of time for bonding with my little ones.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Handprints & Good Grips - Mono DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.