Originally Posted by Magdlyn
Hmm, I guess I am thinking this need for some kind of formal words of commitment is a bit... conventional? Grasping? Desperate sounding?
When I met my gf I was coming out of a 32 year relationship. We'd gotten married, had kids, houses, the whole enchilada. I did NOT have commitment on my mind. Turns out we clicked so well, we are still together after nearly 5 years (and many other partners that came and went). I took as commitment when we'd plan special dates months ahead. If bf doesn't do this, maybe he's not planning on sticking around? Does he seem restless, untrustworthy, sketchy in some way? In poly, you often can't "commit" the way a mono couple can. Going from dating, to dating exclusively, moving in together, engagement, marriage, buying a house, having kids.
I think you and your wife should look at how commitment works in polyamory. My gf and I finally moved in together, after 4 years of separate apartments. We do not plan to marry (even though same sex marriage is legal in our state.) My bf of almost 2 years is already married, has a house and kids with his wife. But we do plan special dates months in advance, he's stuck by me through trying emotional family issues, through health issues, and me by him. That is how we know we are committed to each other, other than outward trappings of exclusivity, a ring, a marriage ceremony before our families.
I don't need this "I love you forever, happily ever after" thing. I get along great with my partners, we have lots of fun. We support each other. Maybe not having a ring, and "I love you forever" makes us less likely to take a partner for granted.
Ah, so you do have 3somes. I guess as a bi male, and with the hot wifing background, this is important to you? Does he and wife also have lots of one on one sex and cuddle time? That is bonding. Bonding leads to commitment.
Our friend is decidedly unconventional, independent, musician, pagan, rennie. I don't think trying to pin him down with a verbal commitment would work, no, not one little bit.
When we met him, he was lonely, he'd been recently divorced, and his health had suffered as a result of the emotional trauma it caused. He has not cared to share, nor has anyone asked why the marriage broke down. We give him loads of space. I was suspicious early, and now I would trust him with my life.
Looking at how commitment works in poly is a great idea, I am trying to learn. One reason I am a member of this forum...
The threesomes are getting to a beautiful place, but it's taken a while. Unlike some swing MFM's which had been hotter, but nothing to think about other than the sex. It's mildly frustrating to be in bed so much with a hetero guy, but it is still very good.
They work together and his place is next to the job, and this has allowed them plenty of opportunities for together time that includes everything from very rough sex (they both like the BDSM) to intimate cuddle n chat time.
Right now, I am only trying to be proactive in regards to Dahlia's needs. They actually talked about it a little yesterday. This relationship has produced great joyous feelings for all three of us, I don't mean to come off as fretful and worried. Thanks to everyone who shared opinions.