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Old 10-23-2013, 02:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
. . . my partner and I have decided it's perfectly acceptable for me to meet his other girlfriend.
Is this something she wants, as well? Or did the two of you decide to do this without asking her if she wants to meet you there? Just asking, since you didn't mention what her wishes are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
She has another partner who she considers her primary . . . She and I have texted once or twice to say hello, but nothing more.
Okay, sounds good - she knows what's going on and you two have respectfully acknowledged each other's existence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
How do I not mess up what he has with her? What if seeing us side by side destroys something for him?
I really don't understand this. What he has with her is not dependent upon what he has with you. Why would you feel your mere presence could "destroy" something? She has a primary, knows about you, and presumably wants to meet you. Sounds like you're thinking like a monogamous person, as if comparison will make him want to choose, or something like that. Let it go. He is a grown-up, right? He seems to have been able to manage his relationships up to now, so seeing you two at the same time shouldn't shake up his whole world - but if it does, for some strange reason, it's up to him to handle it. It certainly wouldn't be the responsibility or fault of his girlfriends if he gets all weirded out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
What if she's ugly?!
This question is so mean-spirited and unkind, I can't even begin to understand why you wrote this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
What if she and I can't get along in person? What if we don't actually 'hang out' or anything and she just exists?
Then don't hang out. I assume you are going to this conference because what is being presented there interests you and it is not just to meet her. Go over the conference schedule, get involved in the program and events, and if you and she are not getting along then limit your interaction with her, or be as polite and pleasant as possible and relieved that it's just for a short time. And know that she is probably there for more than just meeting you, too, so give her space if she seems to want it.

Are you all sharing a room? Perhaps it would be smarter not to, since you don't really know each other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
What if my jealousy rears its ugly head when it's not just knowing he's having sex with her but that he's having sex with her and I could (in theory) interrupt it?
Are you jealous of her now? If not, why would you be jealous there? If yes, then I assume you have ways to handle your emotions. If you are afraid of barging in on them or interrupting them having sex, then figure out a schedule or at least ask that he be very clear about who he will spend the night with, etc. If you know what's going on, then you wouldn't walk in uninvited, would you? Common sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
Am I freaking out for no good reason...or have other people met their partner's other when that person was never going to be/become a third for you as a couple?
Yes, you are freaking out unnecessarily. Calm down. Not all poly configurations are meant to be a "couple plus one." That is actually the exception rather than the usual.

She is simply your metamour, just another person, a human being - and potentially a friend! Get to know her, relax, stop worrying. When you are there, figure out what you need to feel comfortable - is it less time with them, more alone time with him, clear communication on whether you are all hanging out together or not, alone time with her, time to socialize and meet other conference participants, or time to be by yourself? Then ask for it, plain and simple. It's perfectly fine to say to both of them, "I've never been in this kind of situation before. It feels a little awkward to me, so I need _____ to feel more comfortable."
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 10-23-2013 at 03:06 PM.
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