Matt is a complicated being. Nothing is as simple as it seems with him. I have pretty much figured out why Matt is pushing me towards a another relationship. A poly marriage seems easier than scraping the past and starting over. Admittedly, it is daunting. For 13 years (11 years of marriage), that was all he has ever known.
He abandoned monogamy when he started dating me and spent years struggling to cope with what I had brought in to his life. Not an ounce of compersion for my ex. She irritated the piss out of him, so he kept his distance as long as possible. He was fighting what came naturally. Monogamy was never part of the picture, and he buried the need for it after struggling for so long. He revealed this is partially why he kept his distance away from Si. He wanted nothing to do with her because she was a constant reminder of what he had to give up. To him, she was a block to monogamy, and he knows it with certainty now. I have said it once, and I will say it again. If I had not met Si, I would never have entered in to another relationship. I say that with conviction. My demisexuality eliminates that likelihood, as I do not date or seek love. When I met someone, they are a friend and nothing more. With the exception of the five friends-turned romantic interests-back to friends for some, that is it on the romantic front. DH, my best friend, and Si are 3/5.
His needs went unmet because I did not back away when a relationship's natural state--that was meant to be secondary--evolved in to primary. I did not want that with her. I dealt with it the best I could, but like many people say, I did not sign up for that. I did it because I loved her, but shit love is not enough. He certainly did not sign up for that, and it was unfair to him. I gave a relationship with a cowgirl the chance to grow and overshadow our marriage. If she had those tendencies before, he was shielded from it because they were not around one another for years. I promised him one thing, and it shot straight to hell when she decided that was going to stop being poly. With a decision like that, you cannot just drop it in to someone's life and expect them to pick up the slack because you desired a change. That needs to be discussed and not assumed. I know him, and I know he is thinking along the same lines. Despite his dislike of the past arrangement and many grievances, he did not sign up for this and all these changes. The past seems to be a safety net of sorts. This new stuff? Freefalling like in Auckland. He was relegated to a position of secondary and undermined as a parent, and now, he is primary and the only other parent. What he says regarding our children is respected. That alone is a major difference.
I also believe he thinks that I will not be happy with having a man only in my life forever. I was a lesbian when he met me, and I guess I could be classified as being "bisexual" for all the years of our relationship. Bisexual really does not fit because I was not sexually attracted to another female or even male for that matter. Being a demi is interesting. I also wonder how hard it is for him to believe that I am willing to give up a potential relationship with a woman and any dealings with poly because I love him that much and honestly can see myself only being with him. Someone pointed out that quantitative love is something he has never experienced. My love was always shared, and he has all of it and is at a loss as to what to do with it. I have put myself in his shoes, and the known territory seems easier to live with (i.e.) settle for than erasing 13 years of relationship style. In his mind, I did not love him enough to give it up poly all the other years, so what is different now? I did not love him enough to heed his warnings, so why am I listening now and avoiding the black hole that I sometimes consider poly to be? I did not love him enough to honour agreements between us and remember what he said about the style he needed from the beginning, so why am I doing it now?
I would be willing to bet he is clinging to the idea of poly to avoid heartbreak and disappointment. Once somebody has let you down and lost all of your trust, nothing will ever be the same. We can spend years rebuilding trust, and in the back of his mind, he is always going to wonder, "Is today going to be the day she takes up another relationship or wants to be with a woman?" He is guarded, and he has told himself not to get too comfortable because he is expecting disappointment. I foresee a hell of a lot more counselling in our future.
How devastating would it be if I were to decide I could not handle an agreement like ours and wanted another relationship? At this point, we have spent months together and building a mono marriage. He has gotten used to me being here every night. He has gotten used to having a voice that is respected and heard. He has gotten used to waking up next to me. He has gotten used to feeling loved. He has gotten used to having a full-time wife and having a real marriage. He has gotten used to family time. He is happy, and it makes me feel freaking wonderful. He had happy moments before, but the happiness he has now is genuine and an every day thing. He has built his expectations up, and I am meeting all of them without missing a beat. I have kept my word. I have been working my arse off to earn his trust back. He is not alone or contending with a marriage on paper. You cannot tell me it would not be a devastating blow if someone walked in and changed all of this. It would seem like it was happening all over again, and if it did happen, there is nothing that would keep him here.
Another relationship? I have too much to lose now. I love my husband too much to sacrifice what we have and to ever disappoint him like I did before. It is the beginning of something beautifully and our second chance to create a masterpiece. I guess I have made my decision regarding the situation with my best friend. The relationship needs to stay as it is. I do not need our counsellor to tell me what I already know. Nothing good will come of changing the relationship to anything more than what it is. I am loving my life with my man a little bit too much to have eyes for another soul.
My goal is to work on earning more of his trust back and helping him to believe that I am in this for the long-haul with him. I do not need anyone else, and I certainly do not want anyone else. No one else can love me like he can, and I want him to believe in his heart that I am not even remotely close to being through loving him and creating what we have. That is that.