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Old 10-21-2013, 01:36 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 398
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Latest rant...

Sometimes I wish I knew how to hate.

When my need kept being pushed aside and neglected (even when others didn't take use of it being given up or when it was made very clear how much I needed it) I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself for either believing I was clear in what I needed or for expecting that I was worthy of having it fulfilled.

When it ended I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself for believing I was important. Ever.

When I found out how much I was used to harm others I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself for trusting I was getting all the information I needed to make decisions that wouldn't hurt people.

When the words "being led on"were used I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself for ever letting hope come back.

When I found out there never was a point to having hope I wish I could have hated. And I did. Myself enough to not even think about talking about what could possibly let me have a final need or want taken care of and just make a decision that I knew would leave me broken.

And now? I still can hate. Myself enough that since I'm not strong enough to just let that final decision stop everything that it's time to make myself believe there couldn't have ever been love or care or want. Because I'm worthless. Because I'm unneeded and unwanted. Because I need to believe that there's something wrong with me. Because I love and care and want too much to hate.

So I guess my wish is fulfilled. I do know how to hate
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