Kuroi and I have had a few talks with each other this week. Many of which have been very anger and sadness filled. Thursday we both came to the conclusion that we donít really want our relationship to end, but that what we need is time away from each other. Space.
We have talked about Kuroi moving out. Kuroi has been actively looking for and at Studio apartments. We have talked about splitting up child care needs. So that we each have the days/night we want/need to get out and be social. We briefly talked about my need to have time alone to be home, and to be out. So Kuroi is considering how often Kuroi goes out alone, and how often I have all the household and childcare needs as my sole responsibility with no physical help from Kuroi. Something we are still talking about.
After last night Kuroi is talking about setting some time aside to really think about what Kuroi want in relationship with my ex (time to give a name I suppose. Kimidori). Kimidori has an obsessive personality when it comes to intimate relationships. Which is one of many reasons things didnít work out between Kimidori and I, and one reason Iím not ok with Kimidori in Kuroiís life. If that is what Kuroi wants in Kuroiís life I want no part of that. I do not want to be subject to that mentality, and do not what my relationships belittled by a meta, ever.
Kuroi asked me to hangout last night, so we listened to music, and made drinks at our place and partied with Momoiroi for several hours, then went out for a bite to eat, and coffee. During that time Kimidori messaged Kuroi a min of twice an hour. Kuroi only sent one message in reply, basically saying that Kuroi was busy. (They had talked on and off all morning through mid afternoon). I had made it clear after Kuroi told Kimidori that Kuroi was out and busy that I wasnít ok with Kuroi chatting with Kimidori all night. I have had this conversation with Kuroi before, that if Kuroi is inviting me out and I accept, my acceptance does not include Kimidori. A couple of polite messages sure, but after seeing the one complaining about Kuroi spending time out with me, nope. That kind of conversation needs to be had when Iím not around.
Kuroi and I have never sent many messages while Kuroi is out with Kimidori, and I expected the same treatment. I made it clear that messages between them need to be considerate of any time Kuroi is spending with me, just like mine to Kuroi are when Kuroi is out. Our messages are short, and are not me complaining about Kuroi being out with someone else, or expecting Kuroi to drop what ever Kuroi is doing to come hangout/spend the evening with me instead. Kimidori does not act that way, and as soon as I knew that's how things were going Again, I put my foot down. No more message with Kimidori, or take me back home now. I donít understand why Kuroi is willing to put up with that kind of thing. To me these messages have a whiny manipulative tone, and I only read the one Kuroi sent, and the reply Kimidori gave to it.
We talked about it a little this morning before Kuroi left for work. Kuroiís not sure what to expect in relationship with Kimidori, or what is even available. Kuroi is talking about spending tonight and tomorrow considering what Kuroi really wants with Kimidori, all Kuroi has decided for sure is that there wonít be any serious commitments. Of course Kuroi isnít even sure they are dating right now, right now Kuroi and Kimidori are at a crossroads, or so it sounds.
In a lot of ways I would rather listen to Kuroiís issues with Kimidori than have to think about my own. Listening to their issues, bring up ours so that isnít always a good conversational choice.
Kuroi and I talked more about our relationship, and where things are, and what we would have liked to have happened. There is still passion, and desire between us. I was somewhat surprised by this as I had been feeling those dwindling (at least on my end). Kuroi and I have not been sexual in weeks, I did not feel Kuroi was still desiring me, and our kisses didnít seem to hold passion any longer. It was just another good reason to end things when I did. But in talking things out more there is more to it that that.
For one thing I have not been feeling very sexual overall due to the emotional turmoil between Kuroi and I. My idea for intimacy, is some what different than Kuroiís. This hasnít changed and isnít new, but we havenít really talked about it before. We did last night, well a little bit. We both admitted that the things we love about each other we still see in each other. We admit that we still love each other, still want to be together. Kuroi is understanding why I have called things off, and tells me that Kuroi misses being intimate with me. Kuroi wishes there was something to do that would help me to not be so hurt, sad and angry so much of the time.
Over this week I have sent a lot of emails to Kuroi. In them are details of what has happened between us that have caused so much distance to grow. And details that show what I have been asking of Kuroi, and how what I have asked isnít strange. While Kuroi didnít technically ďcheatĒ on me a lot of the emotionís and lost trust are very similar to what a spouse who has been cheated on goes through. I found these things recently, and did not know that I was reacting that way. Well now I know, and can share what i have learned about it.
So Kuroi intends to read what I have shared and learned, and then talk with me about these things. Maybe those conversations will be more productive once Kuroi has a better understand of what I have been asking, and why. I hope so at least. Especially if Kuroi really does want to be able to make something work between us again later on.
Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
Kuroi - Straight (LTR 22+ years, married/fwb)
Momoiroi - child of Murasaki & Kuroi
Kimidori - Kuroi's SO
My lovers - Darkness & Mysteriousness (2+ years)