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Old 03-14-2010, 11:18 AM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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I'm working on a paper re: poly 'Vee' relationships, informed by my own bad experience and the bad experiences of many other 'secondaries' plus existing literature. From what I can gather, a lot of the problems tend to begin looooooong before joining an existing relationship so there often isn't much that a secondary can do to improve the situation beyond acting as a strong and assertive advocate for the quality of relationships -- much like other areas of life. The secondary is a tough and lonely role because there are few social/cultural protections for the secondary partner. A funny thing is that the basic needs of secondary relationships are the same as the basic needs of primary relationships, but people's egos and insecurities often cloud their abilities to understand that. The partners to the established relationship really have to participate actively in helping the secondary feel a sense of belonging. It helps for a secondary partner to have a good network of other family/friends to balance out connections. On the plus side, there are fewer barriers to a secondary partner leaving a dysfunctional relationship. Painful as that may be, it is sometimes the best option when the secondary does not have a willing PARTNER in the relationship.
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