View Single Post
  #4  
Old 10-19-2013, 10:45 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default what is the situation like?

Do you also have a problem with the emotional side of having more than one relationship?

It's been my experience that most people have trouble with the same basic types of problems, just different details and to varying degrees. There is a lot more tit-for-tat type of dynamic going on then people typically divulge, and most people are more conservative when mentioning their insecurities while being much more liberal in citing their own.

Tit-for-tat can also be viewed as being fair, as in it is hypocritical to engage in something that you aren't down for your partner doing, but the idiom is more often used in a negative connotation, as in tit-for-tat in regards to how much trouble people give each other. It isn't the best idea to go by "eye for an eye" mentality with people you care about.

So since she sounds so perfect in all other ways, you might want to figure out what your situation is like. Do you only want to tell her about your other relationships because she tries to tell you about hers?

or does she not mention her other relationships at all, as that sort of seems to more along the lines of "alternate" reality.

You may want to ask her if talking about others is what is bothering her, so that you can clarify is if just the mention of other bugs her or only certain things. Some people want to share everything, some don't want to share specific parts and so for whatever reason, she obviously doesn't want to share those parts of your life. My secondary doesn't want to be responsible for hardships like missing work when the kids are sick. It sounds like your secondary doesn't want to hear about other lovers, some people have never even met their lover's lover so as far all they know, she doesn't really exist.

Before you break up with her, you might want to make sure everything is in reality, as you are seeing it -- even if it is alternate -- because unless you need to mention your other lovers (despite knowing she doesn't want to hear about it) most people don't have a problem not talking about it. I used be employed in a line of work which my partner didn't like hearing the details of , even though the job was a big part of my life I completely understood and had no problem not mentioning, what I knew would upset her.

To be honest, for the poly relationships I am familiar with in this situation, the problem occurs when both parties prefer to keep their relationships compartmentalized and would rather not discuss other lovers, but one person routinely attempts to discuss exactly that. But rather than tell the other person that they don't like the subject of other lovers, they engage in the tit-for-tat game and now they are both talking about their other lovers and instigating jealousy.

So it's important to talk to her and find out if it merely the mention of other lovers, or just specific aspects, because

yes

if she is asking you not to discuss other lovers, and you cannot fulfill that request, it is best that you aren't in a relationship. You need to ask her so that you can figure it out, as not everyone is the best at being assertive, but it definitely appears her sudden switch from happen to sad is you mentioning other lovers, so rather than drill her insecurities or speculate and break up with her, I would ask her.

Personally I think a lot of people end up treating their partners way too harsh by engaging in "I am more perfect poly than you are" mentality and picking apart peoples insecurities (only assholes engage in drilling) and trying to hit a nerve isn't the best way to find partners.

If you need a bomb-proof or nuke-proof poly partner, the responsible thing to do is tell them you will be drilling. But I am probably getting a little ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions, so I'll give it a rest.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 10-19-2013 at 11:03 PM. Reason: typos
Reply With Quote