So here I am.
OK, so here I am. In fact I bet my wife reads this. I wonder if she will know it is me. I need advice and help... I guess that's why we are all here. Here is some background, I will make it as short as possible. I would have to write a novel to fully explain my relationship with her.
I have been with my wife for ten years. We had a child shortly after we met each other. I married her almost three years ago because she is the most lovely person I have ever met and stayed with me through thick and thin. She is my bestest friend!
A couple of years ago my wife went on vacation with one of her friends and met a couple that were polyamorous. Needless to say light bulbs went off in her head and she came home and told me almost instantly that we should sleep with other people. I was shocked and did not react well. I felt completely intimidated and insecure and we ignored the issue for a while. Since Sept. of '08 we have had a great opening up. I told her about the things that I had been keeping from her including an emotional relationship with a roommate that we had. I have recently let go of the resentments that I kept from our past.
I thought that I was going to lose her when I told her about my lies. I fell into an insane depression of which I am slowly battling but am happily winning. We are now in deep talks about polyamory. She, I am convinced, is a polyamorous person through and through. Compersion comes from her so naturally that it is almost scary... definitely intimidating. I am trying to learn to deal with my jealousy and insecurity as these are the biggest hurdles that I have.
I believe for myself that I would not have a problem being with other people. It's actually quite appealing and not because I'm not getting things from my wife but because of what I am getting from my wife. I am bi and love meeting people, love being with people and love, love, love sex. It is easy for me to become infatuated with others I have just kept it to myself in the past. The fact that I think I could do it myself without a problem but that I have a problem with my wife doing it too makes me feel like a real selfish jerk. At least I realize it though, right?
She had come to me recently and told me of someone she felt very deeply for. I pushed her to talk to him about it even though it was still hard for me to deal with it. Nothing came of it (maybe it just wasn't the right time or person). The funny thing about it was that I didn't feel the way that I thought I would if it turned out the way it did. I was sure that I would feel relived... I wasn't. I was sad that he did not reciprocate her feelings. I was sad that he didn't see my wife the way that I did. She is the strongest and most amazing person I have ever met. That's why I married her. My wife was not too disappointed with the outcome, thank goodness. I was afraid she was going to be devastated. How she never ceases to amaze me.
I am having moments of complete horror at the thought of my wife with someone else and then feeling really happy that she could find someone who makes her happy. It's like Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde. Couple that with some depression and co-dependency issues and I'm sure that you can imagine the turmoil that I feel.
We are doing this together and we are talking about rules and the fact that I need to move slower than her. Baby steps baby! Sorry if this posting is too long.
Here are my questions. I am working really hard on this but how do I find compersion? How did you guys find compersion? How do I let go of my fears? I read all these statistics that say open marriages fail more often than monogamous marriages. I want my wife to be happy and I want to be happy as well. I want us to be our own individualistic selves but the thought that we are playing Russian roulette with our marriage scares the hell out of me. I said 'till death do us part and I meant it. Advice? I appreciate the warm, helpful and welcoming community that is poly. Thanks guys!