View Single Post
  #10  
Old 10-19-2013, 07:18 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default In regards to those situations

I've just never seen any examples of "strict" hierarchy where couples privileges plays true, it's more like being responsible for jury duty, my girlfriend -- whom I never refer to as a secondary excepting here -- would not appreciate a phone call asking her to leave work because my child is sick and needs to be picked up from school. She doesn't want to share responsibility and certain obligations, she chooses a relationship with me that for the sake of simplicity and ease of explaining it as a dynamic, her place in the model has a generic name of "secondary"

Most psychologist/behavioral/sociology/whatever specialists understand that in daily life people are just people in a relationship. What a nitwitted grammarian blogger calls "couples privilege" in daily life is just referred to as an asshole. The blogger in question, which the linked post in this thread, links to (a "secondary" link among the hierarchy of polyamory.com =) has another post on communication and negotiating rules and discusses "unconscious" manipulation. There too, I don't differentiate between unconscious manipulation and manipulation the same way I don't differentiate unconscious assholes from assholes. A person that manipulates another is an asshole and I don't know any assholes who don't meet resistance from their lovers when they behave that way.

Typically their partners protest or attempt to speak out, but they get shut down, explained why they are wrong and why it will continue and why the manipulator is right.

That's not unconscious, it's intentional

A person who is unconsciously being an asshole, stops dead in there tracks at the first mention of their behavior, they apologize and they mean it, as being sorry means a willingness to change the behavior.

As far as insecurities go, there is a big difference between needing a little reassurance about some specific topics, and needing to enact every rule except being monogamous. Personally, I found that the difference between those two polar extremes is who they are in relationships with.

I can either be respectful of the women I become involved with and if I listen, it only takes a little reassurance when and where they'd appreciate a little help,

OR

I can be a manipulative asshole, which would require every rule possible besides becoming monogamous which would only end in two very pathetic unhappy adults in a relationship

but it wouldn't be because of a partner's insecurities, it would be by practicing FPP (french proprietary poly)

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 10-19-2013 at 07:39 PM.
Reply With Quote