View Single Post
Old 10-19-2013, 02:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,969

Because I want to make it work... I really do. I want to let go, stop worrying, and just have fun with it. I just don’t know if my heart will let me.
If that is the goal?

You could be ok with you feeling whatever it is you feel during transition. Emotion is just internal weather. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it is sunny. Feel whatever it is and let it run its course.

Could stop judging it as "bad" or "wrong" to be feeling it. Just let it blow on through. Your feelings are one of your senses that gives you information about the world you interact with.
  • "I hear tuba music." That is neither wrong or right. That's just how you sense that right now. You could keep listening or shut the window.
  • "I see dogs chasing balls coming toward me." That is neither wrong or right. That's just what you see right now. You could stand there or get out of the way.
  • "I feel anxious, fearful." That is neither wrong or right. That's just what you feel right now. You could express this to people to change what is bothering you or hold it in. Holding it in isn't serving you well. Could try the other way then and express it to your people.

You seem to be mourning a loss -- this idea of that you wanted, and that lies in CHANGING your mind about "exclusive."

At the same time, you do not seem to feel secure in the new relationship yet. You seem to be in a shaky transitional time. You have left the things you know, and haven't arrived at the new thing solidly... you are in the flying leap. It feels unsettling there "up in the air."

You could google "emotional change" --- look at pictures of various models of the roller coaster. It will get better over time, you are just on the roller coaster -- sounds like at the "self doubt" place. It takes time for the "new normal" to stop feeling weird. You could figure out what typical feelings come next and note your own progress through them.

You could ask for support in this from your partners.

Could pay attention not so much the feelings along the process down at the tree level . Could see if you can step back sometimes to get the forest level view and realize you are IN a process.

Could examine the way you are THINKING about the process.
  • You feel odd, that's one layer. Comes with the territory.
  • Placing evaluation on it just ADDS rather than take away. Now instead of feeling just "odd", you added "guilty" layer. That part? Is optional. Could not ADD to your own burdens but focus on ways to TAKE AWAY and make your load lighter.

In one Life Choice -- moving to another state? You were invited to come along. You felt a part of the process maybe.

Maybe you do not feel included in this other Life Choice -- them having a baby. You haven't been consulted or your role defined -- would you be a coparent type figure in the family unit? What's your role in the pregnancy? Maybe you don't want to be a parent EVER. Maybe not at this time but could arrive there if given time/space to process. This could be a compatability issues -- a dealbreaker? Only you know what you are willing/able to do. But it won't get sorted if you hold back. Could talk it out.

You are in the curious in between time -- transitioning from GF to family member. So are they -- they are trying to include you but haven't arrived at you being at the table for major life decisions. They make a decision and then let you know what it was -- I don't think it's from a place of mean from the sound of it. Just that they have to weather change too and change old habits.

Even how you write -- "I was grafted on" and "hesitate to talk about things that simply cannot (and should not) be changed." Why not? Why couldn't the timing of TTC be changed or talked about? You aren't saying no don't have a baby ever. I think you might be saying -- "Wait! Where do I fit in first?! I need to feel secure in this relationship!"

You could talk your poly partners about all this -- this new family unit you all have co-created and the expectations/roles moving forward and how you want to be treated when planning out major life choices like adding another family members or moving to another state.

Because if your goal is this ---

Because I want to make it work... I really do. I want to let go, stop worrying, and just have fun with it. I just don’t know if my heart will let me.
How are YOU helping to make it work and communicate well when you hold back information from your poly partners? Could do your part, change your behavior and see if you feel better after.

They cannot be mind readers. They cannot change their behaviors to accommodate you if they don't even know what your wants, needs, and limits are.

They don't sound horrible -- in fact, they sound willing to be supportive.

(This much, she knows, and she is completely supportive. She tells me I have no reason to fear any of the emotions that I’m feeling.)

Right now in your posts you are focusing on feeling yucky. Could focus on behavior done/not done -- by each one of you.

Because in your thinking behavior if what you think about is you feeling yucky and nothing else? No plan for moving it forward?

You are helping to keep it in the stuck. Be willing to be vulnerable and open to your poly partners. Could change it and start communicating more.

See if that increased communication serves you better.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-19-2013 at 03:04 PM.
Reply With Quote