Second lunch didn't go quite as well as first lunch but fate tried to mess with us again. Elric's relief was about 30 minutes + late so he felt he had to hurry as he had lots of work to get done. He also had to leave right after work as he had an interview to go to.
Lunch itself went ok, we stayed at his building which has a small cafe where we could sit, eat and chat. Again nothing too dramatic during lunch. After we walked with me to the doors and we gave each other a big hug. Then I went to give him a good luck kiss, a quick peck really, and ok, I was aiming for his mouth, and he startled turning his head away. We then said goodbye and I went out to my car and he back up to his desk.
Ok, I know some of you may be thinking that was stupid to do, but I really didn't mean anything other than a friendly peck. Why I chose to aim for the lips and not his cheek like I had done before, I don't really know myself. His response though, really hurt. I felt like he didn't trust me as he said he did.
I texted him from the car, apologizing if I made him uncomfortable and explaining my intent. Didn't hear back from. Finally got on the road and drove home through hellish fog. Texted him again when I got home to let him know I got there ok and still hadn't heard back from him. I was afraid I messed up big time this time.
We finally got a hold of each other Friday afternoon and he apologized for not getting back to me, he crashed shortly after his interview and other than waking up for a couple minutes to get into his bed, he slept through the night. Poor guy needs the sleep. He also said that it had nothing to do with the kiss. Since he was still at work, we decided that we would continue the conversation later that night.
We started talking again, basically jumping right into it. He didn't mind the kiss or the intended destination, as long as it was just a peck. Anything more than that would be pushing boundaries...and that's when we started having a great heart to heart discussion about the boundaries and where they lie for him as that has been one of my biggest problems trying to figure out. He apologized for being kinda "wishy washy" which I appreciated immensely.
We were really covering just about everything from his feelings and decision and started with my feelings when things went sour. I was having trouble phrasing a question so that it wasn't pushing or feeling like a "you owe me" type of thing. Lets just say, that's when things got f'd up. The way I phrased it was, "What would you you feel comfortable and agree to granting me, if I were to ask for "one thing" to be granted?" It was a rephrasing of the idea of, "I don't ask for much, will you do this one thing for me?" But I wanted him to have the option of saying he wouldn't be comfortable with anything, plus if there was something he was comfortable with, I wouldn't have to deal with the rejection of asking for things I know he would not agree to.
This is when I started getting hurt. He was taking this question to mean that I didn't care about his feelings and decisions and that I just have to keep pressing the issue. I feel as if I'm trying to cover all the bases, to get rid of any lingering questions and hopes that I have that could germinate into problems later.
The end of the conversation got a bit worse as I was feeling hurt but I didn't want to hurt his feelings just because mine were.
I am sorry. I don't know how else to express it without making it sound like I'm trying to change your mind or make you do something you don't want to do. I don't want it to sound like a "you owe me" kind of thing either. It's hard because, even if it's not true, I am seeing our relationship right now as almost a you getting almost everything you want and I giving up almost everything I want...except for our friendship which I never would want to give up. I'm sorry if it hurts to hear this, but I'm trying to be honest with how I feel now and believe me it hurts to write this too.
If it didn't come out clear in that paragraph, I don't feel like you owe me anything and I don't want you thinking you do either.
I'm sorry, I'm making this hard on us both... my stupid little festering thoughts.
I wish I could just say, Okay! and that's that. it would definitely make my life a hell of a lot easier.
I've been trying so hard the last couple months to just be friends like I said I would...I guess things are just finally coming to a boil inside me and starting to overflow.
What really hurts is that this is how I truly feel. He says stop, I stop. He says go, I go. I've spent so much time and energy trying to make sure he is comfortable with our friendship and I'm walking on eggshells hoping he doesn't take something I say or do wrong and think I'm trying something.
At this point, he had to log off. Stress levels were high and our 2 1/2 hour conversation was coming to a screeching halt. This is the same thing that happened when I wrote that "I'm done" email to him.
Of course I sent him another email. This one trying to explain better what I was trying to express.
I guess the question I was trying to ask would be, is there anything that you would be comfortable with doing. This could range from something as simple as my head on your shoulder while we watched a movie to whatever on the other extreme. I would have understood if you said, “at this time, no.” I was almost expecting that. I honestly don’t know where all of your boundaries are, but I know we were making some headway with defining them before I started opening my big mouth again.
I try to be diplomatic but sometimes it fails me as well…but the other end than how it fails you at times. You try to say just enough and I end up saying too much… or at least too much too fast. I hope you can at least understand where those feelings are coming from, from the hurt and heart-broken girl who fell so deep so fast only to have the rug pulled out from under her time and again. I wanted to tell you how I was feeling without sounding like I was trying to hurt you or cause you pain, without the selfish “you owe me” feel, but I guess I failed at that. Can you at least see why I might be feeling that way, that I feel like I keep giving into what you want or don’t want and getting “nothing” in return, no compromise, no give and take? I put “nothing” in quotes because the one thing I do get, one of the things that I do desperately want to keep, is your friendship, which by continually trying to be honest about how I feel, I seem to put it in jeopardy.
Now I am feeling like just because he has stated his feelings and decision, my feelings don't really matter, that his should put an end to it. When I was trying to be honest with him and with myself I was not trying to change his mind or put pressure on him. Our relationship is not a debate with one side trying to prove the other wrong, but it should be a deliberation where we both feel free to express our opinions and feelings without fearing censure or judgment. Maybe he is not used to that kind of relationship, maybe he is not ready for us to have that kind of friendship and I am just a shoulder and emotion receptacle because sometimes when I try to express my feelings, he makes it sound like I'm trying to change his mind, pressure him, or just plain ignoring his feelings.
I keep going back and forth between depressed, rejected, upset, angry, tired, and just plain done. Maybe it is time to call it quits and work on finding that switch to turn off the feelings of "more" that keep getting me in trouble and increasing the heartache. This is so not good for me and my blood pressure and it is most definitely not good for the baby.
Well, I will let you know what he says regarding the email and whether we finish our conversation or just call that part of our relationship as over and done with... again giving in to his wants and desires... and I dealing with my feelings in silence and almost solitude again.
I really appreciate you guys and this forum. I don't have anyone other than my husband to talk to about these things and it's not every day that your hubby is ok sitting up late holding you while you cry your heart out over another man. Cajun was even ready to "let" me "go all the way" with Elric if that is what we decided to do. With all the mixed messages I was getting, I felt it important to discuss the possibility with Cajun and he really has embraced the whole Poly idea. He even said that if I do start a relationship with Elric, or anyone else, he might even try looking around. I'm very proud of him and so happy to have him with me and in my life. He has been more supportive of me and my problems then I could ever have expected. So I guess one positive thing has come out of this entire debacle of a night.
Ah well, we take the bad with the good as best we can. So now I await any comments or crits or just hugs and voices of support. Thanks for taking the time to read this insanely long post. I guess I just really needed to vent.