I don't know if I can do this anymore.
A small introduction: Iím new at poly, and kind of stumbled upon it by accident. Iím a lesbian, in a relationship with a married woman, and good friends with my metamour. About six months ago, I reconnected with my friend (my metamour). He had just moved back after having a job out of state. He also got married during that time to my (now) partner. They are both bisexual, and we all decided to fool around sexually, just for fun. One thing turned into another, and about three weeks in, his wife told me she had feelings for me... an emotional connection. The feeling was absolutely, 100% mutual. Over the past six months, weíve all had our fair share of open and honest discussions. At first, he (my meta) was insecure about it, but now they are both comfortable with the situation, and have grafted me into their lives. Iím very grateful for that.
I look at the situation, and it sounds so lovely in theory. I know so many people would do anything for such a wonderful dynamic. But I donít know if I can do this anymore. The reason? I am falling in love with her. Deeply. Iíve never felt this way about any of my former partners, and I donít know what the hell to do with my emotions. (This much, she knows, and she is completely supportive. She tells me I have no reason to fear any of the emotions that Iím feeling.) Now, for the part she doesnít fully know: I had zero problem with insecurity or jealousy for the first few months. But as my affection for her grows, I find myself throwing pity-parties... and I do NOT like being that kind of person. Itís not really because she has him, exactly. Itís that she has everything with him that I want with her. They have built a life, albeit one they are willing to make me a part of. But Iíve begun to fantasize about coming home to her and spending the rest of my life with her. God, she is everything Iíve ever wanted in another woman... and I feel like the universe is playing some cosmic joke on me, because Iíll never really be able to be with her like I want to be with her. Whatís more, is they are actively trying to have a baby. I just recently found this out, and it didnít feel good for me. (Yes, this makes me feel like a horrible person.) First off, Iíve never wanted kids. Secondly, all I can think about is how he can make a baby for her, and build a family, and have an intimacy that I can never be a part of. Also, I wasnít aware that they had decided to start trying again. Part of me feels like itís none of my business, but then part of me feels like she should have talked to me about it.
Now the kicker: To complicate things, they may be moving out of state again, and theyíve invited me to come with them if it happens. Iíve decided that I probably wonít be moving with them if they go. But if they stay, I have to decide whether or not I can handle this type of relationship. If I stay with her, I have some serious self-reflecting to do. If I break it off, I will be heartbroken. I donít know what to do. I feel completely lovesick... so much so that it hurts me physically. Iím tired of feeling like Iíve been punched in the gut. I feel like itís time to either go big or go home... and I donít know which is best.
I feel ignorant and inadequate because of my feelings. Iím angry at myself because I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when she and I decided to start dating. I love her, and I really enjoy being around him as well. I just didnít predict these complicated emotions. I feel guilty because sometimes, if I really search my heart, I want to be hers, exclusively... and thatís the one thing that cannot happen here. I know itís wrong for me to feel that way, yet I canít stop it. Of course, I would leave if I became a threat to their marriage in any way. After all, I signed up for poly. I didnít sign up to be a home-wrecker.
Iím hoping for some words of wisdom here. Have any of you experienced the same things? Do I just sound like one of those people who isnít cut out for the poly lifestyle? Because I want to make it work... I really do. I want to let go, stop worrying, and just have fun with it. I just donít know if my heart will let me.