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Old 10-18-2013, 07:18 PM
WalksThroughFire35 WalksThroughFire35 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 16
Default Fell for a monogamous woman

So, I have to say first of all that I am extremely new to this polyamorous thing, but basically I have figured out that I am capable of loving more than one person. I have a fantastic primary partnership, where she is sexually non-monogamous but not emotionally non-monogamous. I, however, have figured out that I am.

I have looked for other partners, but have yet to find anyone non-monogamous that I was interested in. So, about a month ago, out of the blue, I met someone who is in a monogamous relationship. We started flirting, however, I was very careful not to cross any boundaries because I knew she was married. But then she started flirting with me and initiated physical affection. I checked in with her and she said she had been discussing it openly with her partner ... so thats not so much the issue.

The issue really is that she is completely emotionally monogamous, and although she has opened up to communicating with me on a very intimate level, she continually gets hurt at the idea that I have a partner and she cannot be the only one in my life. I know it sounds weird because she has a partner, but I think when we are communicating, she finds herself living in an "alternate reality" where the rest of the world does not exist. Then, when reality sets in and we start discussing what I am doing in the world with my partner and that I could eventually date other women one day, she gets really hurt and then has to re-evaluate for herself, her emotional investment in this "relationship" with me. I don't even know what to call it at this point. All I know is that I feel so strongly for this woman, and she is very drawn to me. What complicates this even more, is that I just moved across the country from her. When we met, it was less than a month before I would move. We thought we wouldn't really continue this connection when I left, but we have through text/e-mail/skype. I keep waiting for her to cut it off, but she has not yet. But these situations keep happening where we are connecting well but then she realizes it is not reality, then reality sets in that I am poly and she is not, and she recoils.

It makes me wonder if I am just crazy for even going about this, or if it is possible to just visit her in this "alternate reality" or "parallel dimension" when we communicate, where she can believe for a little while that nothing else exists ... where if she is on board with it, I just wouldn't talk about my other relationships. I mean, I would rather have something with her than nothing at all .... but not at the expense of our mental health. I guess I'm wondering if this would be healthy or not, but I also know that love is not easily put into categories of "healthy" and "unhealthy." But have I just "picked" the wrong person? I ask myself that, but then I also feel like I've never met anyone like her and how can I control who I have feelings for? I mean, I would cut it off and respect/set boundaries if she told me we have to dial down our communication or stop talking ... but she isn't telling me that. At least not yet. Maybe she will eventually. But right now she is just re-adjusting her mindset to be more realistic about the fact that she cannot be the sole woman in my life.

Has anyone else had experience with this?
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