She told me several days ago, but Matt sensed something in my best friend when they visited us in July/August. He was not mad or anything. He stated that she was in love with me, and he could tell by the way she was looking at me; with love. I briefly covered it in another post within this blog. I did not think anything of it because I am oblivious to the obvious. She might have been in love with me for years, dropping subtle hints, and I never would have picked up on it. Chances are, this is the first time she has said it outright but not the first time she has hinted at it. I miss subtleties.
Our flirty, intimate friendship has been the norm for years. Matt is comfortable with it and said it would be unusual if we did not behave the way we do. When they were here, to an outsider looking in, I am sure we looked like a couple when in public. We hold hands, flirt, cuddle, and even share kisses. DH refers to her as my non-sexual girlfriend. Matt, her husband, their girlfriend, and I are great friends. No one bats an eyelash when we flirt up a storm. The only person who had an issue with it was Si, and my best friend told her that she was there before her and would be there long after her. (Never dreamed she would be right.) She was never keen on Si because she felt like she could not be trusted. It was not her trying to break up the relationship. She was cordial towards Si, but they were not friends.
Our conversation was interesting. I have not broached the subject with him because I am not entertaining the notion. I agreed to be mono, and I have every intention of sticking to it. I do not want him thinking that I was secretly plotting and planning to pull a stunt like this all along. During the flight, he was outlining the positives of a hypothetical relationship with my best friend. Being primary, secondary, or having an interdependent model would be impossible because she lives in the States, has no intention of relocating, and has two live-in primaries, minor children, and a tertiary. My children know her as Aunt XYZ and their godmother, so she would not try to be their second mother, take over parenting, and she has children of her own. She has no way to be overly involved in day to day affairs or be a third party in our marriage. There would be no reason to be out locally or to our families because they are aware of the friendship and who she is and because of distance, neither would see the romantic side. She respects him and his role in my life, so a repeat of what happened with Si is unlikely. I cannot speak for him, but it seems like he is not exactly opposed to me being in a relationship with her. I wonder if he is checking off the things on that laundry list of boundaries. He is not here right now, but I want to pick apart his brain.
It kind of makes me wonder if Matt's issues are with poly as a whole or more specifically with Si/how she conducted herself, the lack of balance, shitty communication, and the piss poor the management. I cannot get an accurate read, and I am not trying to master the art of assumption.
For the first eight years of our relationship and subsequent marriage, it was smooth sailing. Of course, Si did not appoint herself to be my co-primary until the middle of our relationship. Like most people claim, I did NOT sign up for that. That was not the natural shape the relationship had taken on. For all intents and purposes, she was secondary. She wanted more, and I should have stepped back when I realised I could not be that for her. I loved her, so I tried to make it work. As we see, it failed, and I should have ended it when I realised I did not have the time or desire for two primary entanglements. I never wanted to be responsible for meeting all of her needs. When I met her and during the first several years of our relationship, I did not have that responsibility. Then again, I also did not have two small children, a full-time career, and a neglected husband.
I think he might be trying to see if I am going to take the bait and contemplate the offer of a poly relationship again. Maybe not. I am not going to assume I know what his motives are. He is not the sneaky type. Maybe he had a breakthrough of sorts and realises poly is not the devil, and I was involved with someone who had questionable ways. I will talk to him just to gauge his feelings on the subject, but under no circumstances am I entertaining it.
I will talk to her, too. I need to know where her head is and why now when she is aware of the agreement, the decision to be in a mono marriage, Matt's feelings, and everything that transpired over the past several months. I also want to know what a tertiary relationship with me could bring to her life that our friendship is not already providing. We talk via text, e-mail, and Skype every day. We end every conversation with "I love you." We share "I miss you's." We see each other every 2-3 months. We are affectionate and unusually passionate about one another. It is the weirdest and most beautiful friendship. Our families get on well and are friends. We go on holiday together. I have seen her at her best and worst. We provide support to one another. She is flying in just to attend my great aunt's funeral with us and to provide support. Her children are my godchildren and vice versa. What else is there? The sexual component? I do not know.
Admittedly, she is special to me and a necessary person in my life. We have thirty years of friendship and a romantic past. She is my first serious and long-term love. Are there feelings there? I have no idea. We split up 14 years ago. I do affectionately describe her as being the Jacob to my Bella, and Matt being my Edward, like Twilight. That has been going on since we saw the original Twilight.
Why now, and what is Matt driving at? Things that make you go, "Hmm." This is the kind of distraction I need, so they say everything happens for a reason.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.
Last edited by FullofLove1052; 10-17-2013 at 04:58 PM.