Things with Whip are going well overall. But I find myself struggling with envy and jealousy. In the past, I rarely experience jealousy or envy so this has been hard and I am finding it difficult to deal with. I find myself fearful of loss. There is some rational basis for that fear. I struggle to think of this relationship as long term although that is shifting for me. And that shift increases the stakes for me internally. We have acknowledged to each other that if he moves away for work then we will break up. Neither of us wants to do long distance. As long as I thought of this as a FWB or a lighthearted, noncommittal romance, fear did not come up. But now that it has evolved into something more serious, I am struggling to manage fears, insecurity. And they get expressed as envy and jealousy.
I'm envious of the attention Whip gets from others. He doesn't lack for partners. I would like to get more attention too. Part of it is that I meet relatively few people I can be interested in. The portion who return that interest is even smaller. He has a broader spectrum of people he is compatible with.
He is also more social than I am. I don't want to go to all the parties he wants to, and that is fine with him. He takes other partners or goes by himself. And I don't mind that. But he had fallen into a pattern of assuming I would not go to parties. I do like parties, just not all the time. I prefer smaller parties but enjoy a large party once in a while. I told him that I did not want to be the partner he sees only during the week. I did not want to be the domestic, 'boring' partner. (He did not act this way - entirely my projection.) He also has a related pattern of picking parties over doing something with me. It hasn't come up much but if there has been a choice between a party and doing something with me, he usually picks the party. It's not that I want him to spend all his free time with me. But I did feel less valued, less wanted. I know he did not mean this. I brought it up to him. He's been very open to hearing my frustrations. We are now planning out our party schedule so we go to the parties we both want to. I think this will help.
But it doesn't address my insecurities which are the real problem. Finding other partners has not been a priority for me. And I certainly don't believe that finding another partner for myself will solve anything internally for me. I just don't feel attractive right now. I would like more attention and I am not getting it. I'm not getting it in part because I don't feel attractive.
Ugh. So frustrated at myself.