I was back in IL for a few days (in IL still until tomorrow actually) and Elric and I finally found a time to get together and try to just be friends. Our first non-dramarific meeting was for lunch today. I picked him up at work (not even 2 minutes from my hotel) and we went and grabbed food. Luckily he gets an hour for lunch so we didn't feel too rushed.
It went well. I expected some tension and anxiety, at least on my part, and I think he may have had some too but he seems better at hiding it than I do. We talked about a lot of things, nothing too drama inspiring during lunch.
On the way back to work he actually apologized again for having such an insane schedule and making sure I knew that he hadn't been hiding or avoiding me all this time. I knew this, but that little paranoid piece of me wants to say otherwise and he knew this. It is nice that he is trying to reassure me about our friendship and making sure that I am doing alright with where we are at.
I am ok with where we are at, but I'm not ok with where I am at just yet, and I'm not quite sure where he is really at sometimes. He admitted, in not so many words, that he does send mixed signals at times and he doesn't mean to cause me any more heartache, it's more of just a flirty friend nature, which if none of the sexual/romantic aspect were an issue, I would be giving as good as I got. He doesn't mean to "fertilize that seed" of hope/desire/wishful thinking just as I don't mean for it to still be viable. But of course we don't always get what we want and the path to hell/good intentions apply here as well.
Although one thing I thought interesting, and not necessarily as a "hope generator" was that I mentioned that now I have to figure out what it is that I really want in my relationship with Cajun and if/how poly fits. I said that this whole thing has opened up new opportunities and ideas for me. And he agreed, that this has opened up a whole new thought for himself. Being raised Catholic where and relationship outside of marriage was forbidden, this really threw him for a loop but also opened his mind to new ideas even more than it had been. He is still interested in understanding Poly and the life style. Now I know that that does not mean he is interested in implementing the lifestyle into his own relationships and life, but it is nice to know that he doesn't think less of me for trying this life or even trying to include him in it.
We are supposed to get together for lunch again tomorrow (as long as the fates don't get in the way and make him have a working lunch) and again we will probably go out to eat. It is almost like having a safety net by always being in public, but unfortunately we don't feel as free to talk about certain things as we may wish to be and those things get relegated to the car ride back to work which is time restricted. Although I want to get him alone so we can talk about whatever we want, I know and understand why having this safety net is a good idea. It's the next best thing to a chaperon.
So that is where things stand at present. Slightly trembling ground but not shaking so hard that we can't stand on our own two feet. I feel happy that we were able to get together and talk again, but am still sad at the same time. I still feel that we are missing out on something wonderful and good.
I will keep you (and myself) posted here... especially with tomorrow's lunch and my long drive back home...hope that goes well. For now, I rest, as I am feeling a bit drained on all three levels. Thank you for taking interest in this ongoing drama and until next time... TTFN!