Eight days til I head "home". It will be really good to be back. I'm ready.
At the moment, I have five sexually intimate relationships of various intensities. That seems like too many. I have no particular reason for feeling this way, as in, nothing is actually problematic at this stage. But it just sounds like too many, right?
I feel a bit uneasy, like something's gotta give.
Plinth is the most low-key. It's nothing too serious, a loving playful friendship. I have an overnight date with him end November, a belated birthday thing.
Things with Djuna are also fairly chilled. We're mostly long distance (though she's visiting soon, for two weeks!) and it seems okay that way. I'm keen to talk with her about how she's feeling, if she wants the relationship to grow in any particular way.
Although I really enjoy it when we fuck, I'm not driven to being sexual with either of them. It's more of a decision (to go there) than a compulsion.
That said, it's kinda got that way with Ocean too. I guess there are ebbs and flows of desire.
I worry that I create expectations in other people. That, because I feel like being sexual today, that I will necessarily feel like being sexual on another occasion. I feel nervous that my ambivalent sexual attraction will be harsh on the other person's self-esteem. Like, if someone only wanted me sometimes, I could feel shit about this, right? It could be confusing...
Can I be a friend who says: I always like spending time with you. I sometimes (but not always) feel like being sexual with you. I can't really predict how I'll feel...
... Is it fair enough to continue a sexual relationship with someone when I don't always want them sexually?
That's a difficult thing to say up-front to someone.
Ocean and I have navigated this between us, and I feel we have a good shared understanding of things.
I've talked about this with both Plinth and Djuna and I think they know where I'm coming from. But I feel that they would be open to more than what I can give. Basically, if I was keen to fuck more, they'd be into that. It's an imbalance I'm not entirely comfortable with.
I know that desires aren't always symmetrical. But I feel shit, to be the Less Inclined one. I feel odd, like I'm implicitly saying they are not attractive people, or that I don't really desire them. I feel almost guilty, like I should desire them more. I wonder whether it is better to end the sometimes-sexual nature of our relationship, so there's no confusion? But I know this is stupid.
Ambiguous spaces are fascinating, if you can manage to linger there awhile.