Well, I survived the weekend.
He did make out with a girl while away... I don't feel so weird about the specific makeout session - still more on what will happen next. So, I learned that my fears are really fears of the unknown more than anything. I find I worry alot, and I cannot find rational backing to the worry, but I still get anxious.
I talked to him about it. Mentioned that I feel is is rooted in wanting this to be something special, that the way I was so used to romantic relationships being special was with sexual exclusivity. The thing is that I have had PLENTY of exclusive relationships that were NOT special. The sex had little to no role in that.
Special is feeling like I am cared for, feeling like there is something about me that sets me apart from all the other girls he would be with. I know there is... I am awesome. It is just hard to not get overwhelmed by all those negative thoughts.
Anyhow - we have been dating for a little over a year, and when he came back he said he loved me for the first time. It kind've scared me, because I really feel he means it and with that comes responsibility. At the same time, I do feel special for him putting his heart out there, for taking risks with me, and for feeling that he can be himself.
It makes me think that part of this letting go thing is having trust enough to not worry so much. The tree analogy I have is the feeling of standing on a tree branch high above the water, wanting to jump, but feeling frozen thinking about all that can go wrong. Friends below cheering you on because they know how awesome you will feel when you finally jump.
I am realizing I am missing an important part of that here - Ouroboros is at the bottom, in the water, if I need him to help me.
So, The lows suck, for sure.
The highs are pretty high.