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Old 03-09-2010, 03:48 PM
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Thunderlizard Thunderlizard is offline
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Calgary AB
Posts: 41

If someone wants you to do something they're not willing to do themselves, then it's certainly not a reasonable request.
I know personally how this feels... I used to do all of the compromising in my past relationships. It always led to resentment and hard feelings, and was never productive in the long run, even when it seemed like it was going to make things simpler at the moment.
My wife is a long time friend who always offered to meet in the middle when we weren't in agreement.. that attitude, and the boatload of honesty that came with it, is a primary factor in the reason we're together. It has eliminated regret or resentment.. things are negotiated, and if they seem unfair to one side or the other, then they are discarded as unsuitable- not because someone put a veto on it, but because if it's not mutually acceptable.. then it's not acceptable in general.
It's a very interesting conversation when 2 or more people are all sitting around discussing something, and everyone's trying to make sure that the others are looking out for themselves, and not just giving in to avoid conflict.

The first time I heard "I'm not doing this, because I don't think that deep down you really want me to.. sure, you're willing to let me, and I think that right now you may even want me to (a little), because you care, but I honestly think that in the long run it will hurt you, and so it's not happening" I was genuinely shocked.. and she was right, in the end, as things turned out, it would have been a negative thing. We would have been fine, but she avoided any issue by being sensitive to me, understanding me better than I do, and acting on that knowledge.
This is an attitude that I've come to depend on... I relate it to the constructive use of compersion as a tool to keep things on an even keel.
I believe that being Poly and loving doesn't mean that you lose yourself in the process.. ideally, *IDEALLY*, you should grow and be made stronger by the actions of ALL of your partner(s), not diminished.

Fingers crossed on everyone's behalf here.
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